Parent Time

That’s how Rhonda Bernard says she felt the first day she took her six-month-old daughter, Autumn, to a daycare centre in Calgary. And this was a place Bernard felt good about. “I loved the daycare,” she says. “You felt warm fuzzies when you went in there.”

Bernard’s reaction was normal. “There are more parents who cry in the first week than kids,” says Beth Urquhart, program coodinator at the Ryerson Early Learning Centre in Toronto. “Despite any research you’ve done and whatever excitement you might have about going back to work, there’s always this feeling that you’re handing your child over to someone else and it should really be you taking care of her.” Those feelings, says Urquhart, are amplified if it’s your infant you’re handing over. “You’re thinking, here’s this tiny baby who’s so precious and can’t tell me what her day was like, and I’m leaving her with people that I really don’t know.”

That was certainly how Bernard felt. “I cried most of the day,” she recalls. “Every time the phone rang, I closed my office door, picked up the phone and waited for them to say, ‘Come and get your baby. You’ll have to stay home with her.’”

That didn’t happen, of course. But for Bernard, this almost made things worse. “I was devastated in a way that she was OK,” she admits. “I was a first-time mom, breastfeeding and feeling a strong bond to this six-month-old, and while I was happy that she managed, I was also upset, thinking, ‘What’s my purpose here?’ You’re torn. You want them to be a little upset, but not screaming and crying.”

Bernard got her wish when Autumn was a year old and started to fuss at drop-off time. “At that point, she had more understanding that, yes, Mommy was coming back, but Mommy was leaving, too.”

This, too, says Urquhart, is normal. In fact, with babies less than nine months old, the switchover to daycare is often easier than it is with older babies. “At 12 months, they’re right smack in the middle of stranger anxiety,” she says. “It can be very difficult.”

At any age, starting daycare can be a wrenching experience for both children and their parents. But there are ways to make those first days and weeks a little easier for all concerned.

Do Your Homework

The best way to ease any anxiety about your child’s daycare is to feel confident that you’ve chosen the best place for him. And that means checking out a number of options. Sound obvious? “I’m shocked at how many people will take a daycare space sight unseen,” says Urquhart. “Parents need to find the best match for their families.”

One important factor to consider is proximity. A daycare that is close to your home means that the time you spend with your child isn’t mostly in transit. If the centre is close to work, you’ll be close at hand should an emergency arise. It’s also reassuring to know that you can pop by for the occasional visit if your centre is nearby. That made a big difference for Bernard. “The daycare’s policy was that parents were welcome anytime, and the support of my workplace was fantastic,” she says. “I went in to breastfeed the first few months. Then when Autumn was older, my husband and I would pick her up and go for lunch — have a picnic in the park or whatever.”

Spend Some Time

The transition to daycare will be easier for all concerned if the first day isn’t really the first day — that is, make sure you and your child get familiar with the place, the people and the routines ahead of time.

“We recommend that parents do at least three visits,” says Kelly Ansara, supervisor at Our Lady of Grace Child Care Centre, in Aurora, Ontario. For the first visit, one or both parents “hang out, spend the morning and interact with the kids and staff.” For the second visit, the parent drops off their child as if they’re leaving, and then sits in the staff room, reading literature and finishing any paperwork. “Then,” says Ansara, “if their child is really stressed, we can say, ‘Mommy or daddy will be here soon.’” For the third visit, the parent again stays in the staff room, but for a longer duration. “The child learns that his needs will be met — he’ll get lunch, he can go to the washroom, get a hug if he wants one — and that mom or dad will be back.”

Ryerson’s Early Learning Centre holds a week-long orientation for new parents and kids. For toddlers and preschoolers, Urquhart says, the week allows them to spend some time playing as well as see what happens in a daycare. “Their routines are important to them. It lets them know what to expect,” Urquhart explains. “And when they see mom and dad feeling comfortable, they know it’s OK. The people they trust are trusting the people in the daycare.”

If the newcomer is a baby, the week lets parents get to know staff and lets staff learn the baby’s routine and see how parents interact with their child. For Toronto’s Donna Kerry, the orientation definitely helped when it came to dropping off eight-month-old Logan for the first time. “For me,” she says, “it gave me peace of mind. I don’t know if he actually noticed the difference because there was so much to stimulate him — lots of kids and toys.”

Ansara concurs: “The honest truth is, it’s easier on the little guys than the parents because they have all these distractions around. With babies or toddlers, they’re easy to redirect.”

Sneak a Peek

So what do you do when you’ve had to pull your sobbing child off your leg before making your own emotional exit? On those trying days when Autumn was hitting toddlerhood, Bernard used to look discreetly in a classroom window and see for herself whether her daughter had settled. And usually she had. Kerry made use of Ryerson’s observation booth. “I had been losing sleep,” she admits. “I was more upset than Logan was — just not knowing what he was doing during the day. So the observation booth really helped.”

When the daycare isn’t close enough to go see things for yourself, both Ansara and Urquhart recommend that parents phone. “If they need to phone ten times a day or if they need to find out all the details of the day, that’s fine by me,” says Ansara. “If they’ve left their child crying and the teacher had to pry the child off the parent’s shoulder, we recommend that mom or dad phone, and the teachers will be honest with them.”

Being able to call and check on Logan also helped Kerry. “The daycare teachers were very accessible on the phone,” she says. “If I was concerned when I was leaving Logan, I could call at any time to check up.”

Say Goodbye

When your child is upset about your imminent departure, whatever you do, warns Ansara, don’t sneak out without saying goodbye. “If you don’t say goodbye, they think you’re floating around somewhere,” she says. On the other hand, once you’ve decided it’s time to go, don’t drag out your departure. “Make it short and sweet and loving,” advises Ansara.

Urquhart agrees, adding that saying goodbye should be part of an overall routine. “You take them in, settle them, get them busy, say goodbye — making sure they acknowledge you — and then go,” she says. “A consistent routine lets them know what to expect every day.”

Part of that routine should include letting your child know when you’re returning. “They can’t read a clock,” says Urquhart, “so give your child a concrete time for when you’ll be back — after snack time, for instance — and be there.”

Send Something Special

If your little one is particularly upset and clingy, give her something else to cling to while you’re gone — a special toy, one of your T-shirts or even a family photo. These transition objects, says Urquhart, can go a long way to alleviate anxiety for some children. “It’s something that reminds them of mom and dad,” she says. “There’s a familiar feel, look and smell that comforts them.”

But choose the object with care. “With some kids, if they bring in a picture, it just breaks their hearts because it’s a reminder of what they’re missing,” says Ansara. “So it should be based on a child’s need. Parents usually know what will cause anxiety.”

Give It Time

It often takes a month for children to adjust to full-time daycare — it may take longer for part-timers. And there are signs that show a child is settling in. “If they can stop crying and focus on things, if they can be comforted and allow us to help them,” says Urquhart, “then they’re going to be OK. There are kids who we can’t help, and it’s hard on them.” Adjustment time, she says, really depends on personality.

Sometimes a child’s emotional reaction to starting daycare doesn’t show up right away. This is what Urquhart calls “the honeymoon period” — that first week or two where children are distracted by the new toys, games and kids their age to play with. “Then,” says Urquhart, “reality drops in and they realize they’re really coming here — every day.” At that point, many parents will find themselves trying the adjustment strategies other parents were using from day one.

If your child is showing real distress about attending daycare, you may need to consider another option. For instance, some little ones may be more comfortable in a home setting, where there are fewer children.

Give Yourself a Break

Parents, too, need to give themselves time to adjust to daycare. “Parents are usually in tears,” says Ansara, “and they sometimes think there’s something wrong with that, but there isn’t.” Urquhart agrees: “There’s a lot of sadness, a lot of guilt. Most parents are surprised at how strongly they’re reacting.”

That reaction can be worse when their children have seemingly no trouble adjusting. “Some walk in and go ‘Bye!’ and parents still feel bad because they think their child doesn’t need them anymore,” says Ansara. “The parents start feeling threatened. But they need to know they’ll never be replaced. We’re here to support both the child and the parents.”

For Bernard, getting used to daycare took a stronger toll on her than on her daughter. “I was teary eyed for a couple of months,” she admits. “What really helped end that was realizing that my mood was affecting hers.” In retrospect, Bernard says it was letting go of being in control of her baby that was hardest. “It was realizing that these people were going to influence her as much as my husband and I were going to,” she says.

Still, Bernard says she was never jealous of the affection Autumn soon developed for her caregivers. “She’s still pen pals with some of them,” she says. According to Ansara, that’s the right attitude to take. “If your child loves her teacher,” she says, “it’s just reaffirming that you’ve made the right decision.”

What Do They Do All Day?

It’s 10 a.m. and four staff members at the Ryerson Early Learning Centre in Toronto are busy stripping six toddlers down to their diapers, replacing their little clothes with oversized green T-shirts. The children, ages ten months to two years, started arriving at around 8:30 and have been busy with snacks, followed by free play with the sand table, the soft slide, mats and a variety of chunky toys and puzzles. Now that everyone’s here and in the right gear, out comes this morning’s big surprise — the Jell-o table.

“What happens when you pour it?” one teacher asks. “Can you feel it with your hands? What does it feel like?”

“Yucky!” comes the enthusiastic reply.

“You’re right!” says the teacher. “It’s yucky.”

Another staff member says, “Jell-o, Jell-o,” as she holds some out towards a babbling 15-month-old, who touches it tentatively. Yet another staffer puts ten-month-old Gwen in a high chair, and places a blob of the stuff on her tray. Meanwhile, a mom is preparing to leave her 14-month-old daughter, Rein. “Bye-bye,” she says, kissing her. “I love you.” The mother heads to the door as Rein starts climbing up the mats. Then the toddler spots her departing mother and ambles toward the door. But en route, she spies the carpeted toy area and drops to a crawl to chase after a ball. Seconds later, she grabs a shape sorter off one of the short units of shelves that form a makeshift wall around the carpet. There’s a lot to explore.

Back at the Jell-o table, numbers are dwindling. Twenty-month-old Kelly has wandered off to the slide. “Kelly, are you finished?” asks a teacher. “Do you want to get dressed? Let’s wash your hands. They’re all sticky.” Kelly goes off to the toddler-height sink.

One of her cohorts is still engrossed in the Jell-o. “Do you want more?” asks a staffer. “M-m-m-m-more?”

“M-m-m-ma! M-m-m-ma!” he replies.

But there won’t be much more. The little ones who wander off are getting washed and dressed back into their own clothes. Some fuss, but are easily distracted by sound games or kisses. Others, like Kelly, try to dress themselves for a while, before a teacher comes to help.

One by one, the children assemble on the carpet. A couple of teachers sit with them while the others tidy up the playroom. The lights go off. “Come on, everybody, and tidy up, tidy up, tidy up,” sings a teacher. “Come on everybody, and tidy up, so we can have some carpet time!”

The singing then turns into some fingerplay. The toddlers are engrossed as the teacher leads them through three simple rhymes while two other staff members finish tidying. The last song includes the children’s names. As their names are called, each one goes with a teacher to get ready to go outside. Today, they are heading for the playground, just outside the building, where they’ll enjoy some fresh air until it’s time to get ready for lunch and then nap time.

Around two o’clock, the children are starting to wake up. For the next couple of hours, they’ll join the preschoolers in the adjoining room. Though no one will be elbow-deep in Jell-o, they will be able to squish some playdough or paint a picture should they tire of the various toys, books and pint-sized furniture. And the afternoon snack will help fuel the fun.

By the time four o’clock rolls around and pick-up time begins, the children will have enjoyed a full day of sensory play, socializing, fresh air and singsong. And all, no doubt, will be ready for the special comfort of home.

Spring/Summer 2003