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Teen privacy and snooping

How much privacy should parents give their teens and when is it appropriate to snoop?

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Originally published in Today's Parent January 2011

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“I remember my own teen years,” says Michele Eaton,* mother of 14-year-old Callie and 12-year-old David. “It was so important to me to have my own thoughts and ideas, and live my own life without being judged and criticized. Having privacy mattered a lot to me.”

But what seems black and white when you’re a teenager isn’t quite as simple when you’re the parent of one. Eaton says that she hasn’t quite figured out how to handle privacy with her own kids — and that’s partly because they have very different personalities. “Callie is very open with me and is constantly checking in with me, so I don’t worry much about her,” she says. “But David is far more secretive and reserved. When he was younger, he got involved with some sexual play with an older child, and he didn’t tell me about it. I only found out because he told Callie. So I’m less confident that he’d tell me if there were something to be concerned about.”

It’s a tricky question. How much privacy should parents give their teens, and when is it appropriate to snoop a little to make sure things are OK? “Honouring a child’s need for privacy while still being the adult in charge can be a tricky thing for parents,” says Dulcie Gretton, a parenting coach in Calgary. “In early adolescence, we need to remain a physical presence in our children’s lives, making sure we know what they are doing, where and with whom. We can communicate to our teens: ‘This is my responsibility and I intend to fulfill it.’” Once that’s understood, Gretton says parents can negotiate with their teens on the areas of privacy and responsibility that are appropriate. As Eaton has found, this will be different with each child, depending on maturity and previous track record.

* Names changed by request

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