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How to deal with messy tweens

Is her bedroom a disaster? Just close the door

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Originally published in Today's Parent July 2010

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Maybe it’s the toothpaste tube without the lid. Or the counter that never gets wiped. Let’s not even talk about your preteen’s bedroom. There are mouldy dishes lurking under a pile of sweaty clothes, damp towels and strewn papers.

How did your once reasonably tidy child turn into such a slob? And what can you do to bring the messiness down to a level both of you can live with?

Messiness is a common developmental blip among preteens, says Toronto parenting expert Alyson Schafer, author of Honey, I Wrecked the Kids. It’s pretty normal for previously organized kids to become quite lackadaisical. It can feel to parents like their kids’ brains are missing in action.

In fact, that’s actually partly the problem. “Kids are beginning a process whereby the brain is being rebuilt,” says Schafer. This means that, along with moodiness and a sudden inability to communicate civilly with their parents, kids can become quite absent-minded and seemingly oblivious to house rules, such as putting the hair dryer away or dirty clothes in the hamper.

Schafer says other factors are also at play. Peer pressure may exert some influence: It’s cool to be sloppy and aloof, especially around adults, while being neat can be a bit nerdy. “Kids this age are often quite busy — homework demands and extracurricular activities may be increasing — and keeping the house tidy just isn’t a priority for them.”

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