Crafts & Fun

Sneaker Attack
Urban teens in the early 1980s carry ghetto blasters into the streets, don big shoes, turn their caps backward and give the world breakdancing.
Low point: Breakdancers perform for the Pope in January 2004, yet avoid addressing him as “Yo Holiness.”

Naïve Driver on Board
In an optimistic bid to reduce tailgating, drivers festoon their vehicles with yellow “Baby on Board” signs in 1986. Parody spinoffs soon follow, including “Mother-in-Law in Trunk.”
Low point: The signs are deemed a safety hazard because they block the rear window.

Need to Get Out More
Trendy blowhard Faith Popcorn coins the term “cocooning” in 1987 to describe the tendency for families to entertain themselves at home rather than going out.
Low point: Someone else coins the term “couch potato” for the same phenomenon.

Parentally Challenged
Political correctness extends to preschool, where playpens become “play yards” and toilet training becomes “toilet learning.”
Low point: Parents realize that whatever you call it, the diaper smells the same.

Beep Trouble: Perhaps training for life on a short leash, expectant dads in the early 1990s wear “baby beepers” so their partners can notify them when they go into labour.
Low point: In a 1994 episode of the sitcom Friends, Ross gets one with a number similar to that of a gay escort service.

The Information Superhypeway
Internet hype takes off in the early 1990s, and if you’re not wired, you’re tired. Schools with no money for pencils rush to embrace the new technology.
Low point: Computer-savvy kids wind up teaching the teachers.

Bad Moon Rising
In the most shocking Japanese invasion since Pearl Harbor, Sailor Moon arrives in North America in 1995. The awkward, 14-year-old crybaby doesn’t catch on in the US, but enjoys huge popularity in Canada.
Low point: Sailor Moon lunch boxes still available on eBay.

Girl Power
A welcome attempt to improve girls’ confidence in the mid-1990s is co-opted by midriff-baring airheads like the Spice Girls.
Low point: The phrase “You go, girl!”

(Sesame) Street Fighters
In a reprise of the Cabbage Patch Kids inanity of 13 years earlier, parents celebrate Christmas in 1996 by paying hundreds of dollars for Tickle-Me Elmo.
Low point: A Wal-Mart clerk in Fredericton is sent to hospital after being trampled by desperate parents.

Crying Wolfgang
The Mozart Effect, published in 1997, has parents playing classical music in a hopelessly simplistic attempt to raise their children’s intellect.
Low point: Pregnant women press headphones to their bellies to spur fetal development with Eine Kleine Nachtmusik.

I Love You, You Hate Me
People with anger management issues launch an assault on Barney, the portly purple dinosaur who thinks everything is super-de-duper.
Low point: An Internet newsgroup is created with the name alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die.

Great Poop, Tyler!
Praise-hungry kids are complimented for the most mundane accomplishments as self-esteem becomes the new parenting buzzword.
Low point: One expert suggests refraining from telling kids not to squeeze kittens, preferring: “Hold the kitten gently.”

Give Us a Break
The 1980s turns the single-dad sitcom into a full-blown genre, led by Diff’rent Strokes, Who’s the Boss?, Gimme a Break!, Silver Spoons, My Two Dads and Full House.
Low point: The child actors from Diff’rent Strokes wind up dead, charged with murder or running for governor of California.

Way Too Much Time
Tamagotchi, the latest “virtual pet,” hits North America in 1997, duping owners to spend countless hours nurturing the high-maintenance electronic alien.
Low point: Parents bring their children’s Tamagotchis to work to babysit them.

The Milkman Returns
Phone-in supermarkets and online food shopping promise to free up time for busy families. Dozens of companies go bankrupt before figuring out that parents actually want an excuse to get out of the house.
Low point: Limp lettuce.

Who Let One Rip?
Proving that the Japanese aren’t the only ones who can create idiotic virtual pets, Hasbro launches the Furby in 1998, selling 12 million by the following Christmas.
Low point: In an attempt to appeal to boys, the toy is given the ability to fart and belch.

Licence to Breed
Fed up with humans who are hogging the world’s resources by reproducing, social clubs of “child-free” adults spring up around the world.
Low point: The movement’s “founding non-father” argues that parenting should require a licence.

Monkey Bars of Death
Despite an epidemic of inactivity in kids, school boards across Canada tear down hundreds of supposedly unsafe playground equipment.
Low point: In the summer of 2000 alone, the Toronto District School Board removes 173 play structures.

Teenagers Suck
Adolescents revert to their inner child and appear in public chomping on soothers. The trend is apparently a spinoff from ravers who use them to prevent teeth grinding and jaw clenching caused by the drug ecstasy.
Low point: The same kids carry drinking water in baby bottles.

La-La Land
A new fab four from Britain makes its debut when Teletubbies goes on the air in 1998. The show is eventually broadcast in 21 languages worldwide — yet still no one knows what they’re saying.
Low point: Televangelist Jerry Falwell claims that Tinky Winky promotes a homosexual lifestyle.

Dan Bortolotti was an editor at Today’s Parent for more than five years. During this time, he was an avid breakdancer and confesses to carrying a baby beeper in 1994. He has never squeezed a kitten.

Originally published in Today's Parent, October 2004