When is the right time to wean your toddler?
With her daughter’s second birthday a month away, our SAHM blogger wonders if there ever is a right time to wean
By //
Originally published on TodaysParent.com January 16, 2012
Crdit: Chickpea via Flickr
I know Facebook has some wild voodoo analytics, but it seems that every day there is a post that relates to breastfeeding your toddler. Some posts are for tips on weaning, some on on how to make it last longer. (This hilarious post from Jezebel hits the nail on the head) None of which help my cause — I’m still breastfeeding our nearly 2-year-old daughter and don’t know whether or not to wean or keep going.
I have a love/dislike-because-hate-is-a-bad word relationship with extended breastfeeding. I’ve blogged about it for Today’s Parent before. I joke that her feeds are down to twice a day — once when she wakes up and once before she goes to bed, without a break in between.
Love:
- When our daughter had a wild 36-hour fever over the holidays, the only thing she was taking in was breast milk.
- I love the way she snuggles in for “bo.” (Thankfully she’s stopped saying boobies)
- It heals any ouchie.
- My husband is a huge supporter.
- She breastfeeds her dolls and stuffed animals and is the most adorable thing ever.
- It gets her to sleep and back to sleep at night.
Dislike:
- Her lack of impulse control means that she’s exposed the Girls in grocery stores, coffee shops, hardware stores and mall food courts. Don’t get me wrong, I have no problems with nursing in public, but the self-serve is humiliating.
- Being a SAHM mom means that the Girls are on call 24/7. There is no break from it.
- Having a nearly 25-pound person climbing and pulling on your breasts is no fun.
- As if my Girls weren’t already trashed, they are absolutely destroyed now.
- It gets her to sleep and back to sleep at night.
It’s that last one in both the love and dislike lists that I am having the hardest time with and I know it is the worst parenting habit and fall-back to have. After our son, I swore I would never nurse our next baby to sleep because bedtime and night weaning was such an emotional battle. But here I am, in a deeper hole than I was four years ago. I’ve read so many articles and blog posts about sleeping and weaning and night weaning that I know how to go about it. And we have given it a try, but end up caving. One night last week was the best shot we gave it — and no one, except for our son who could sleep through a monster truck rally — got any sleep. For three hours in the middle of the night I tried everything but breastfeeding to get her back to sleep. And it worked — after being up between 2 a.m. and 5 a.m. The next day was just so awful between temper tantrums and tears and just plain exhaustion that we went back to night nursing the following night.
Part of me figures we’ve had a good run, and I’m sure, given a choice, Gillian would breastfeed forever (I also thought the same about our son who self-weaned at 21 months). On the other hand, this is our last baby, and she is growing so fast that I’m clinging to breastfeeding as the last baby-ish thing that I can offer her (I don’t count diapers like Tracy does).
And here I am again, full circle from the beginning of this post. Ready to move on, but not quite. Ready to let go, but still holding tight.
Jennifer Garner is practically super mom
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What do you think?
funkymamasita says ....
Phew! There are times when I feel like the only one going through this. Thanks. This could not have come at a more better time for me as I am having a very difficult time trying to wean my 26 mth DD....I'm her soother, and like you, am a SAHM. I don't regret BF,not at all!! but it's taking a toll on me, unfortunately. There are days when I just want to cry.
Thank you.I know that I am not alone...Good luck in finding a method that works. I'm still trying!
Samantha (not verified) says ....
Good luck Jen. I'm currently nursing my 4th child and have spent 78 months breastfeeding all of my children(I just added up the total months and I concur about the ravaged breasts). My stories are similar to other posts. After a year we nursed only at home (and usually just night time), and my eldest who was still nursing at 3 used sign language to indicate his need as I just couldn't bring myself to respond to a screaming toddler yelling boobies. He is my most intense child, and still remembers nursing with fondness. My 2nd and 3rd children found alternate self-soothing methods and self-weaned with no fuss in their second year. I simply began offering other options first. As we have always co-slept until age 2 nursing at night was always the last to go.
I do feel parenting is an important time, and I strongly feel, as this is my one time on this journey of life, I need to do the best I can for me and my children. We need to be respectful and honour our needs and well being. Some children need more, some need less, but at the end of the day (or night) I can look back and know I did what I could with lovingness.
Follow your heart; some believe the end justifies the means, others know it will evolve on its own, either way it's up to us to teach our children the lessons they need to learn. Enjoy!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences. It is so nice to remember we are all a part of something bigger than ourselves.
Bidz19 says ....
Hi,
I could just cry in relief from reading all the comments. Thank you so much for all the suggestions and support! I have felt very alone in this extended breastfeeding world. My daughter is 13 months and I am still nursing her twice a day, even since I have returned to work. She refuses the bottle... I, also, have a love/hate relationship with the whole process. She will not go to sleep without me, even for short naps.
I am just glad to see that other mothers are experiencing the same things as we are as a family. I have been judged by many family members, but I do feel like the bond that I have with my daughter is priceless and more important than what anyone else thinks.
Thankfully, my partner is extremely supportive. I am wishing all of you to find a solution to your weaning challenges. I have yet to find any that works for me. And from after reading all the comments, it's not a one-solution-fits-all. Good job on doing what is best for your children! :)
Guest_345470 says ....
Hi Jennifer,
I think I'm in the same boat as you! My daughter is 21 months old and there does not seem to be an end in sight. Although she is down to one nurse before bedtime, and then one in the middle of the night (although it lasts until it's time to get up! lol) I have always struggled with nursing to sleep, but it worked, so after trying to stop and having difficulties with her sleep - we went back to it. We recently just moved her to a toddler bed as it started to become apparent that she just really didn't like her crib. So although she still nurses before bed, she is no longer nursing to sleep! I figure it is one step towards night weaning.
Whenever she asks to nurse outside of her regular times, I ask if she wants milk in a cup - sometimes she says yes, sometimes she says, no, MOMMY milk! Often, it is when we get home from daycare and work, so is a way to reconnect I suppose. If I do say no, she looks at me like she is saying "what do you mean?" and then signs and says "milk". How can I say no? And then while nursing, she often rubs my arms and neck and back and caresses my hair - she is so sweet and this time will soon be gone. As for nursing in public, she sometimes asks and will try to pull my shirt down or put her hands down my top. Not so much due to embarrassment, but because she is such an acrobat, it is just easier to distract her until we get home and it usually works. As for being worried about nursing replacing food she should be eating, it is not a concern. She loves food - all food - and has a healthy appetite.
After reading some of the other posts, I had to see what Jillybean wrote! Wow! Like some said, it asked about your experience. Either you have none, or yours was bad, which is sad. In relation to nursing being lazy, really? Is it lazy to nurse your child on demand for 2 years? Lazy is to not educate yourself on all of the current medical evidence available supporting this. Lazy is simply popping a bottle of formula into your child's mouth because it is easier rather than inconvenience yourself to provide what's best to your child (no offence meant to those who have tried to nurse but are unable to). Nursing lazy? I think not! Keep your comments to yourself! I have met many like yourself who feel that they have the right to comment on MY choice, however, I would never dream of criticizing THEIR choice not to nurse!
Shelly (not verified) says ....
I nursed my daughter to about 3 and my lastest to 3 1/2. Yeah that's 42 months. I loved/really dis-liked various parts of it but I don't think anyone outside of my child and myself have anything to said about when we weaned. It was an experince that just they and I shared. It's a personal choice. I happen to agree with extended breastfeeding because it worked for me.
mum (not verified) says ....
You, the parents, are creating this problem for your children. At this age they are completely dependent on your guidance. If you are gentle and understanding about their needs this process should be an easy one. Although I do believe some babies will self wean, unless they have something else to comfort themselves (bottle, sippy cup, stuffy) they do not have any reason to give up the breast. It is important to think about the association issues you may be creating for your child, especially the sleep associations. There are many other ways to comfort your baby that do not involve feeding. Do not think that your intimate moments with your child will be over once you stop nursing.
Olga&D&A (not verified) says ....
Hi, I nursed my daughter until 3 weeks before her second birthday. She would do yoga while nursing, especially downward dog, it was painful. Plus, she nursed too often for too long.
When she was 12 months, I could no longer take the night feeding so even though we co-slept, I put a sippy cup with water behind her pillow and told her that if she was thirsty that's what she needed to drink. She cried tirelessly for three nights, tearing at my shirt (I slept with 3 shirts on those first few nights) and, calmly, I offered the sippy cup - she threw it, screamed, woke up the neighborhood, my husband begged "give her your breast I need to sleep- I work all day" but I stood my ground... by the fouth night, she was reaching for the sippy cup. She no longer woke me up at night.
My son is 4 1/2 now and I nursed him until 2 months before his 3rd birthday. He didn't get a sippy cup at night because after 12 months, he rarely nursed at night and slept mostly.
Both my kids would have nursed until 4-5 years old, I'm certain. I did it until I couldn't take it anymore. I went with my flow and not my kids'. I wished they would have self-weaned but I knew that wasn't going to happen. They both cried when I stopped nursing. And got over it within a week.
Your daughter is old enough to be taught not to help herself in public, if that is a concern. That can be 'fixed' easily enough. You can also play a game that she can nurse so many times a day. Make a chart and put stickers for every nursing. Then say, oh, you only have one left, you'd better save that one for bedtime. That way she will learn to drink/eat other things.
I know what you're going through and sympathize. Good luck!
MamaJ (not verified) says ....
Dear Jillybean, Shame on you for your judgmental, hateful comment to a fellow mother (I am assuming you are a mother, but maybe you are not and that is where your ignorance stems from). Are you aware that the World Health Organization, the Canadian Pediatric Society, and the American Pediatric Society all recommend breast feeding until age 2? Are you aware of the decreased cancer, asthma, allergy, etc, etc, rates in breastfed children? You are right about one thing - it is not a "child" issue, it is a parenting CHOICE. I am breastfeeding my second child at 16 months with no end in sight, and feeling pretty damn good about it. Your comment was "disgusting" and judgmental; the last thing that any mom needs. I hope you never have to experience someone judging your parenting as you have just done to many others. Peace.
tbear519 says ....
My son weaned at 4. It was a mutual weaning. He had reduced his nursing and I decided it was time for me as well. The first step was weaning in public, we only had Mombe Milk at home. The hardest part was night time. At the time he would nurse to sleep and 2 or more times in the night. I used some tips from the "No cry sleep solution" at night when he would wake I would nurse for a few minutes and then just cuddle with him. Over time we reduced the amount of time I nursed to get him to sleep. The last step was giving him a sip of water instead of nursing. He is now 7 and I still occastionally need to lay with him to get him to sleep (maybe it is frequently). He often will come crawl in bed with us in the middle of the night when he wakes as well.
MommyluvsU2 says ....
I'm sorry but did I just read "Jillybean"s comment correctly??? Did you say "disgusting" and "lazy habit"?! Perhaps you didn't realize that it is currently the year 2012 and we have enough information gathered to support that breastfeeding & extended breastfeeding are one of the best tools we have to help launch our children's health & well-being. Read something on the topic at hand before spewing your ignorance. The What Do You Think question relates to the actual question being asked: "What has been YOUR experience with weaning your baby?"
Please do us all a favour and direct YOUR attachment issues to the appropriate people in your life. It's not needed in this environment where parents are just trying to support and help one another.
Now that I've wasted my breath on such a negative post, let me get back to the article in question! :)
Jennifer, the last baby is definitely a weighing factor! The snuggle time it allows is pure heaven and selfish or not, it feels nice, safe, warm, cozy. Why should those be considered bad things!
My oldest daughter weaned herself just before her first birthday. Like 5 days before. (yup, still a bone of contention for me!) We worked so hard to establish BF that it hurt my feelings she wasn't willing to stick it out for MY planned amount of time. (sigh)
My second (and last) daughter would have likely nursed till she started to drive if I didn't lead the weaning process. It just felt time and I was going away for a weekend so I wanted her to be prepared instead of 'Surprise! Mom's disappeared!'
Hubby & I planned a week ahead that for the night wake-ups (where I'd normally go in and nurse her back to sleep) HE would be the one to go in and calm her down. There was no other option. When mom goes in, the milk is right there! But when it's Daddy, well Little One would have to figure out the 24hr Breastaurant was shut down. It wasn't easy, but because we prepared for the 'crazy' we were able to handle it. By the end of the week, she knew it was a thing of the past. Then I could finally go back to being the one to calm her at night just by holding her. That's what seemed to work for us. Now, keep in mind, it didn't mean the night-wakings stopped. Nope. That's just who she is. But it's getting better as the years go by..... just feels like a snail's pace during the nights! (yawwwwwn) =)
Alma (not verified) says ....
You are not alone!!! I am in the exact situation with my 18 months son. Good luck, and keep us posted!
Jennifer Pinarski says ....
Thank you so much everyone. Out of the women in my immediate circle of friends, I am one of the longer nursing ones, so to hear that I'm not alone in this is exactly what I need right now.
We had an awful, awful night last week in attempting to night wean and instead of dragging it out, we are delaying weaning.
Please keep sharing your stories! I love your support.
mommy monica says ....
In response to the first comment, attachment issues arise when a child doesn't feel comfortable, when he isn't given what he needs when he needs it, that is, a wholesome, loving environment in which it is unecessary to PUSH a child into independance because he moves towards it naturally when he feels ready.
In regards to weaning, I think if you aren't ready or are on the fence about it, wait til you really feel it. Your child really is only small for such a short time. And how to judge if your child is ready? See how he reacts. Try delaying, skipping a feed or two and if he reacts well, he's probably emotionally ready. If the reaction is unbelievable (like your nighttime story), he probably isn't. It's all about respect here, for your child and yourself! For example the self-serve situations should be dealt with seriously because it's very disrespectful of you. BTW I totally had the love/dislike relationship with my son (who was weaned off his 2 minute once a day habit at 39 months, gently encouraged by me), but now that it's over, I just remember the love :)
Dorothy Robson (not verified) says ....
Jillybean: There are many reasons to endorse an extended breastfeeding relationship. Yes, there are benefits for the mother, but mainly it is beneficial for the child. Extended breastfeeding is normal in most cultures, it is because of nasty feedback similar to yours that it is "taboo" in North America. Every mother needs to do what is best for her family, and judgmental feedback such as this isn't helping anyone.
Jennifer: I, personally, am prepared to nurse my toddler as long as they need to (and until I'm prepared to deal with sleep and emotional upheavals with something other than the breast, which at this point is intimidating). I am, however, starting to set limits around it. For example, we don't nurse in public as much anymore, mainly because the kidlet is a big fan of showing other people his "mimis". I try to distract when he asks, and usually offering something else to eat/drink gets us by. If he still wants mimis, he gets it. I have dabbled in unsuccessfully nightweaning, and used Dr. jay Gordon's method. I think, if I get to a point where I absolutely do not want to nurse any longer, i'll start with nightweaning, and then cut out one session at a time -- stopping coldturkey when you have a toddler who is still nursing frequently can end in issues such as mastitis, which I doubt is what you want your last nursing memory to be. Good luck, and do what works for you!
Carmen (not verified) says ....
still nursing my second child at 2 years and 3 months. He just days ago dropped the pre-bed feeding and now only nurses in the morning at about 6am. I too don't want to give up the last little baby thing left but at the same time I could move on to 'bigger boy' phase if he would lead the way. I have no regrets. No guilt. No shame. I know that when he is truly ready he'll give it up. I found with my first a gentle and loving replacement ritual (we sang a song we made up, had serious cuddle-time, and I let him put his hand on my breast) was all it took and a few days. It did not affect his sleep or our relationship. We used this new ritual as our special time together and it worked well. I believe weaning is a balance between the child feeling ready and the mom gently encouraging and helping the child let go and providing a comforting alternative to this bonding experience.
lade says ....
and i nurse my daughter for 2 years and 7 months.
lade says ....
At least 2 years because i still breastfeed my son and he's 21 month.
mommytoatrio says ....
I don't think that you can identify a generalized "right" time to wean a child from breastfeeding. Every situation is unique. I nursed my oldest son until his first birthday, which happened to coincide with my return to work. My second son weaned himself - he completely lost interest at 9 months. Now, 4 months into breastfeeding my third child, I have to admit that knowing she is our last, is making me indulge in practices that I did not allow myself with my two previous babies, such as nursing her to sleep..in bed...with me asleep next to her! As someone previously pointed out (albeit, in a crass manner) that's an issue that we need to manage with ourselves. As for your little one, if you're comfortable with continuing to nurse her but want and need a little elbow room, limit her access to the breast to bedtime and/or mornings only. I feel that those are the quietest and most priviledged times of the day to nurse. Everyone needs their sleep at night - including your daughter. It sounds like you were on the right track to sleep training that one night...the first night(s) are always the worst! Just remember that the tough nights don't last forever! The key is consistency! Pick a stretch of time when you and your husband can tolerate a few bags under your eyes to sleep train. That way you'll be setting yourself up for success! Good luck!
Samantha (not verified) says ....
Jennifer, I think you should do what feels right fow you. I nursed by now 8 1/2 year old daughter until she was 2 years and 4 months and my now 3 year old daughter until she was past 2 1/2 years. I also had a love/dislike relationship with the extended breastfeeding. I loved the closeness that we had and how I could always sooth her sadness but the commitment of bettime, night time and daytime feeding was a struggle and quite tiring. I relate to your blog and glad that I was able to successfully wean when I was ready and when they understood and were somewhat ready to move on. Good luck!
trishyswishy25 (not verified) says ....
Same boat here too! Our 2nd and probably last child and I'm finding it hard to let go....she will be 2 in March. Right now I'm trying not to worry about it, I think she will give it up soon on her own. Mind you my daughter doesn't pull the "self serve" move in public unless she's crazy tired so it's usually just at home. Good luck with whatever you choose to do!
veggiechick says ....
I first have to say that the first comment is completely way off base and quite rude. It's one thing to have an opinion but there is no need to attack the author.
Anyways, I had planned on nursing my first child six months, but it extended to nearly two years (she weaned when I was about 5 mths pregnant). I used the don't offer, don't refuse strategy. I've now been nursing my son for 18 mths. I have to admit I'm eager to wean since he has several food allergies, and as a result, I too have to avoid those allergic foods as they are passed on through my milk. It's tricky since I'm vegan and have to avoid soy and legumes among other things! That being said, I'm thankful that I could nurse because it was the only reliable source source of nutrition - nutrition that I can still count on for him once a day at night given that he's so restricted by food. I have already been using the same strategy that I did with my daughter but he is still interested in nursing and for the longest time, it was the only way to get him back to sleep. Now I can rub his back, so with time, I figure he will wean completely soon.
I figure I'm in no real rush. Sure it would be nice to have a little more freedom and my body back, but it's such a short time to spend nursing in the grand scheme of things, IMO.
Good luck!
Deanne says ....
Jillybean: There's no reason to be nasty. You could offer some actual feedback on exactly how Jen can wean. I think she already knows it might be time do so, hence her post.
Jen: My daughter stopped nursing at 21 months. The last three months she had just one nurse, usually first thing in the morning.
She was used to drinking out of a cup from daycare, anyway, and one day, she asked me for some "mommy milk" and when I offered it, she turned her head and said, "No mommy milk. I want a cup." And that was it. Sniff.
Leading up to this I had a few weekends away from home and she was just fine without nursing.
Is it possible for you to get away from the kids for a weekend, leaving them with their dad? Out of sight, out of mind.
If not, I suggest having conversations about "mommy milk" with your daughter. If she asks for it, offer her a cup instead. Say "There's no mommy milk right now." I did that a few times with my daughter and she seemed to accept it at face value.
As for the sleep, my daughter has just started sleeping through the night. It's been four months now. I highly recommend the book, The Sleep Easy Solution.
Good luck.
poochette says ....
thanks for this! i'm in the exact same boat with my two-year-old, and wow is it ever hard for both of us. good luck, and keep us posted!
Alex Mlynek says ....
Jen, I so get this dilemma. Leo is still nursing (at 2.5), and I just this past weekend started night weaning him. It's such an emotional thing. Such a hard decision to make. I know you'll make the right call. You know your kids (and you) best. You've done such an awesome thing by getting this far with nursing. Way to go mama!
jillybean says ....
This is disgusting. And it has zero to do with your child, and everything to do with you. YOU need to wean yourself off this lazy habit. Those poor children already have attachment issues, cant wait to hear the problems you encounter with them as adults.