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Are SAHMs killing feminism?

According to Elizabeth Wurtzel, stay-at-home moms are killing feminism because they don't earn an income. Our worth can't be measured, counters our SAHM blogger.

By //
Originally published on TodaysParent.com June 25, 2012

What feminism can look like: Successful marriages and happy SAHMs.

“Real feminists don't depend on men. Real feminists earn a living, have money and means of their own.”
Elizabeth Wurtzel, in her June 18, 2012 essay in The Atlantic
 
Fourteen years ago, when I graduated college — the first woman in my family to do so — I considered myself a feminist. Fiercely independent and mildly repulsed by the thought of husbands and babies, I moved thousands of kilometres from home, started paying my own bills and carving out a career.
 
Eleven years ago, when I met and married my husband, I gave up my maiden name, we closed our separate bank accounts and started a joint account. 
 
Five years ago, when our son was born and I returned to work after maternity leave, my heart was sad but the career I’d spent 10 years working on was too important to let go. And we needed the money. My husband still earned more money, I still did the bulk of the household chores and I still wasn’t bothered by what could be considered by women like Wurtzel to be inequality. I loved my life and my contribution to our home and marriage.
 
Two years ago, when I quit my job to raise our children, leaving behind a career and a salary to become — gasp — financially dependent on my husband, did I consider myself to be less of a feminist than I did when charting my own course as a fearless and single 20-something? Not at all, but mostly because my view of feminism had grown up as I grew up too. I realized loving my husband, birthing my babies and choosing to be home with them didn’t mean that I no longer cared about the role of women in our world, despite that my work as a stay-at-home mom is unpaid. Winnipeg-based SAHM Cara said it best: "The fact that she (Wurtzel) thinks all women should earn a salary in order to 'prove' their worth is very outdated."
 
No, I don’t earn a salary right now, and I have no idea when the time will be right for me to go out and do so. In Wurtzel’s eyes I’m a failed woman and feminist, being financially dependent on my husband. But here’s the thing that no one tells you: The decision to give up a salary and be 100% financially dependent on your spouse is huge. It’s more than crunching the numbers and deciding if it is financially feasible. It’s humbling. It is a blow to your ego. It’s a job that you cannot attach a dollar figure to, because there is no currency that measures happy children and marriages. Because only you know the cost of sacrificing everything you believed in up until the second you met your newborn child. 
 
For Wurtzel to accuse stay-at-home moms of killing feminism based solely on our economic worth to society is a lie and an attack on every mother. Our worth will never be measured in dollars, but in healthy children, successful marriages and the better world that we create together.
 
What do you think? Leave your thoughts here or on Twitter to be included in a follow up post this week.

Photo by The Mamarazzi Photography

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  • Yil (not verified) says ....

    The simple definition of feminism is for women to have equal rights as men. It doesn't mean SAHM v Working Moms. It doesn't mean one individual females choice or decision is superior then the other. It certainly doesn't mean if you choose to or have to work or stay home you're more right or more wrong. Just understanding the definition I think it's safe to say that the majority of us women are feminist because we want and deserve equal rights as men. Very simple!

    • 2 October 2012
  • Anonymous says ....

    I think that feminism is such a misunderstood word. Do we even need labels? I too, thought of myself as very independent. I bought a house all by myself, rented out the basement to pay the mortgage, made lots of money on it, and then bought a rental income. Then, I met my husband. He too, was independent. We'd both lived and traveled and bought property all on our own! We got married, I got pregnant, and I wanted to stay home and raise our child and give up my great income and all the perks that came with it. He thought I had the harder job; while he would love to have spent time with our child, he thought his job going to work and traveling the world was the easy one. I kept my own rental building, kept my own bank account, and he 'kept' me. He paid the bills, and I looked after the rest. I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm the "stay at home mom who is never home" - I feel I'm too selfish now to go back to work and I love, love, love having the time with my kids. We skate and ski in winter, we bike ride and picnic and go to art galleries and wading pools in summer. We spend afternoons in the back yard in the sprinkler, and have friends over. We do day trips and stay over night visiting further away fun places with other mums and their kids. We camp. We go to the lake for a few days. I'm way too busy to go back to work, and my kids have a better social life than I do; well, just as busy a social life. I've met so many like minded career women who chose to be home. We volunteer in the schools and community centres. I can't count how many times teachers have said to me: thank you for doing this; if it weren't for you and the other volunteers, our school could not run this program. I'm glad we can choose to have children and choose how to raise them.

    • 4 July 2012
  • susanne (not verified) says ....

    I think too, that you will always get all sides of sahm/full time moms (and dads) and with working moms (and dads too). Someone mentioned some full time moms being lazy and watching tv all day. Yes, I'm sure there are many of those, just as there are many working out of the home moms who work to get the extra money to go on vacation and buy the fancy car, and then spend their free time at the spa rather than playing with their kids.
    As for not being able to have it all - well, yes, it is a choice, and isn't that what it's supposed to be? A choice to have a child or more children, and then a choice whether to be home to raise him/her/them or choose outside care, a nanny etc. I always felt that there were three things: children, home, self and I could choose two. Noone said you can have it all; actually you can have it all, but not all at the same time. Life is a series of choices.

    • 4 July 2012
  • Anonymous says ....

    So what about the women who are supporting men? I supported my husband through graduate school; does that mean he's not a real man?
    I prefer the term equalist (if we must have a term), rather then feminist. And and equalist (or whatever) means having the freedom to make your own choices, whether it's to be a full time mom, a working mom, a working dad, or a full time at home dad. We're so lucky to be able to make choices, why does that make us 'less' of a person?

    • 4 July 2012
  • Lovinglifenow52 says ....

    I appaude the author in that she had a career prior to becoming a SAHM. All the SAHM mom's I've known have had lives....had things they did, contributions to their community.In my opinion, it's about contributing, not only in your home, but in your LIFE!! I know of one SAHM who believes that producing children has given her the right to stay home and not contribute. I can't respect someone like that. You need to be engaged in life, in the outside world, especially as your children grow and are in school full-time. I was home for just under a year when my now-18 yr old was born. I wanted to stay home, be with him, but money did not allow that. For me - and I can only speak for myself - I needed to be outside the home while with him during my leave. I needed to engage him in the outside world as well. Working women provide a different lens to their children, a realistic one, I believe. Women who can stay at home with their children are few and far between in today's economy. I think it's the quality of that experience, for both the woman and the children and ultimately the family that is important.

    • 3 July 2012
  • Guest_211755 says ....

    Sometimes people HAVE TO work & sometimes people HAVE TO stay home & sometimes people get to CHOOSE either or or both. Either way people actually REALLY should mind their own business, be happy that they have what they have in life & stop looking at what someone else is doing and judge them. The World would be a much happier place if we could all get this.

    • 2 July 2012
  • NewfieMom31 says ....

    Karen51, I don't think anyone's judging you for being a working mom. Quite the contrary. I believe that feminism has given women the right to choose (as much as their situation will allow). My partner & I are in this boat now; we have a 6 month old and are trying to figure out a way that I can stay home longer with our son. We don't live in a large metropolis but the cost of living here is not cheap, either.
    As moms (and parents) we need to stop judging each other and looking down our noses on one mom over another mom (or dad). We need to support each other. If you want to (and are able to) stay home with your kids, great! If you don't want to (or can't) that's also great! What works for one may not (and often doesn't) work for another.

    • 30 June 2012
  • Anonymous says ....

    It is about CHOICE. Women did not always have the choices available to them as they do today. Stay at home moms are a career in their own right!

    • 30 June 2012
  • Karen51 (not verified) says ....

    I'm surprised no one has mentioned the cost of living in major cities across Canada. In order for us to have a roof over our heads and wholesome (not fancy) food on the table, in a major center, money is a necessity. So although I would much rather be a SAHM, I cannot, because I earn half again what my husband could, and from the point of view of financial responsibility towards our family , I need to be the one working. So I suck it up, for the good of our family. I have to choose to be responsible, whether or not it is the choice I would make if I had a husband who could actually financially support a family. Don't get me wrong, I love him, but even though he is highly trained, the limitations of his field don't create a competitive salary grid, and certainly don't generate enough income to afford rent, a car payment, student loan payments, and variable expenses in a major city, where we have to stay because of medical needs of a family member. So where's my feminist "right to make a choice"? Up a creek, that's where. So don't judge me because I work. Certainly nobody seems to judge my husband negatively for choosing to pursue his desired career in place of being a financial "provider".

    • 30 June 2012
  • Windex of Canada (not verified) says ....

    Being a Feminist in my mind is having the ability to do what one wants. Whether you chose to be a SAHM or a working mom/women - the point is that you had the power/the say to do that and were not told what was expected or what you had to do.

    • 29 June 2012
  • Anonymous says ....

    It is sad to see that this discussion continues. While my mother says that I have been a feminist since birth, I read my first feminist book, The Feminine Mystique, in 1976 and have been cognizant of the ongoing dialogue since then. My husband and I were married for a very long time before becoming parents. We enjoyed an amazing life and lifestyle when such people were called DINKs (dual income no kids). I left a law career to stay at home because both my husband and myself believed that this was best for us. We didn't see the point of having children and then not spending as much time with them as possible. We are blessed to have the resources for me to stay home, but by the same token, we can't afford to do many of the things our friends with two incomes, kids, and nannies do. Also, our choices after retirement will be significantly less.

    As another person commented, choosing to stay at home is very hard on your ego unless you are strong. Friends don't understand and drift away, you are assumed to be stupid, lazy, or unsuccessful in your former career, and you are the dogsbody at the school, if you choose to volunteer, while "working mothers" are feted for showing up. People also assume that you are always available to "help" them since you have so much time.

    When does this stop? I am not jealous of working mothers, as someone suggested stay at home's are, but I nearly choked when I saw a former colleague's salary on the sunshine list and realized exactly how much money we have given up through this choice. I think that many women would like to be able to stay home, and just as many are glad that they don't have to. Fortunately, I never derived my sense of self-worth through money or title and I learned to check my ego at the door years ago.

    I agree with one comment about the stay-at-home label and all it suggests. Let's come up with something that reflects that it is a positive choice open to feminists. Let's end the mommy wars and competitive parenting. You don't call me a SAHM and I won't call you an ABC (abandon your children) or MMM (money means more).

    As I said earlier, I have been following feminism through its ups, downs, and various iterations and the core has always been about choice and respect. Please respect my choice and I'll respect yours.

    • 29 June 2012
  • Anonymous says ....

    Feminism is about women having the right to choose the course of their life and to be equal to men. Feminism is not about women turning against each other to see who's a better example of womanhood and equality. I still use my maiden name and in some areas I use both names, but my friend legally changed her surname to her husbands, even on her birth certificate. Both of our choices are femimistic choices, because it was OUR choice. It was not expected of either of us and it was not pressumed by our husbands. I stay home and work part-time, but my job allows me to bring my son with me. I consider myself a modern feminist. I honour and am eternally grateful for the fight that women before me made and I am perfectly comfortable with choosing how I express my womanhood. The message I received growing up was that I am a woman and I can acheive anything! The early days of feminism were not about me having to earn an income, they were about me being able to earn one, if I wanted, and at the same pay as men. It was about me being able to vote, if I wanted. I happen to do those things, but my friend is no less a feminist if she expresses her right to choose by not voting or working.

    • 29 June 2012
  • Susan C (not verified) says ....

    About 25 years ago, when my first son was born, society was having this debate. And yes, moms outside the paid workforce were often accused of setting feminism back 50 years. My neighbour's daughter was born just before my son. I realized that if we switched kids for 8 hours a day, and paid each other, society would consider us to be "working" and making a contribution. But since we were looking after our own babies, we were "staying home" and "opting out" among other things.
    Must we continue with this squabble? Feminism is about broadening choices---real choices---for women, and for men too. In our family, we don't consider my husband's salary to be "his" money, with me not bringing in any income. It's our money. We are a team, we are raising our family together. His job lets me do my job here, and me doing my job lets him do his job. Now that our youngest is in his teens, things are shifting for me, and for our whole family. My husband is approaching retirement and I, too, am figuring out what the next phase of my life might hold.
    One more thing: can we stop saying STAY-at-home-mother? Just because we're not in the paid workforce doesn't mean we stay home. We are not lay-abouts, we are not indolent, we are not opting out of society. We are contributing members of society, whether we are earning a wage or not. (Can you tell this has bugged me, off and on, for some years? :-) )

    • 29 June 2012
  • Kristy P (not verified) says ....

    Real feminism is supporting and being proud women in any role they choose. Especially supporting women doing the one of the many jobs we do best, which is mothering. Feminism is not fighting to be the same as men, it is being strong as women and the many different roles that entails.

    • 29 June 2012
  • Anonymous says ....

    Three cheers for this SAHM who understands that she can still be a strong feminist and CHOOSE to stay home and raise children. This is an exhausting argument - when there should be NO ARGUMENT - it is MY LIFE, MY FAMILY, MY PARENTING - and what works for ME, MY LIFE AND MY FAMILY - will be different than what works for you. Why is there a need to blame either side - why is there a side? I am strong woman, with strong opinions, with a good education, a great marriage, fabulous children - choosing part time work has been a good balance for all of us. But it wasn't easy to choose. I think sometimes these arguments are people trying to justify their own choices - but why judge someone else's choice? And why does feminism have to be a paid position in an office? why can't it be the role of a strong woman to stay home and raise children that respect others and feel empowered to choose for themselves?

    • 29 June 2012
  • Stephanie S (not verified) says ....

    Women should have the right to be at home with their kids. There was time not long ago when the choice was made for us.

    • 29 June 2012
  • pianomom (not verified) says ....

    Feminism is one of the worst things that ever happened to our society. More marriages are falling apart, more children are growing up being undisciplined and having no morals and when the family falls apart the society does too. Women were created to be equal to men but that doesn't mean we all have to do the same things. Women can still be equal by fulfilling their own roles. I don't need to be out in the work place to feel equal to my husband. The roles we each play complement each other and that's the way things should be.
    Being a SAHM is SO good for your family! I honestly don't think you can work full time outside of the home and have a great marriage, obedient and loving children and a peaceful home. Something's got to give. I'm not willing to sacrafice my marriage or children just so I can maybe feel "fulfilled" somewhere else.
    We live just on my husband's income and are happy and content not being "rich". I wouldn't trade being a SAHM for anything.
    And I truly believe more women could be SAHMs if they REALLY wanted to be. If we can do it, others can too. It's all about priorities.

    • 29 June 2012
  • Guest_211755 says ....

    What?! In all reality in this day in age, we often NEED two wages & hence the TRUE reason why most Mother's are working. I have two degrees and in the process of earning these degrees I have made MANY highly educated friends & of those SEVERAL friends only ONE CHOOSES to work when it's NOT a necessity. It has NOTHING to do with feminism folks, but necessity. I know MANY Educated & successful career Women who CHOOSE to stay home because they can & because they have already experienced a career & WANT to stay at home.

    Perhaps the real title of this article is "The JEALOUSIES of the SAHMs". I do however feel bad for those who can't have this luxury. But it's TRULY too bad that people can't just look at someone else's HAPPY LIFE and be HAPPY for them!

    • 29 June 2012
  • Sarah G (not verified) says ....

    Women ruined it for themselves when they decided to enter the workplace. We told ourselves we need to work outside the home to prove our worth, but sadly, we were misguided. Now we work outside the home AND work inside the home when we get back from a long days work! Now we are overworked! Plus, the fact we are away from our children is only adding to the reason that children nowadays do not have the same morals that we did growing up since both parents are only with them for a short amount of time and they are left to be raised by their peers/school. I don't need a paycheck to prove my worth, and I'm completely content letting my husband bring home the bacon while I get to spend quality time with my kids while their young (since these days will go quick)!

    • 29 June 2012
  • MiaRW (not verified) says ....

    Great! Another article (Wurtzel) and blog posting designed to perpetuate the "mommy wars". I have yet to read an article that SAHDs are killing the patriarchy.

    • 29 June 2012
  • Anonymous says ....

    Feminism is not about earning money, working outside the home, or staying home with children. It's about being able to have the choice to do what works best for you and your family, and not feeling badly about that choice.

    • 29 June 2012
  • Anonymous says ....

    Feminism is not about earning money, working outside the home, or staying home with children. It's about being able to have the choice to do what works best for you and your family, and not feeling badly about that choice.

    • 29 June 2012
  • Yves Goulet (not verified) says ....

    So long as the decision for one of you to stay at home and raise the children is mutual and does not alter the balance of respect in the couple, then why would you not if you can? The children will be all the better for it!

    Equality is not solely measured in dollars and cents. Many variables of that particular equation are so much more important than money. To reduce to a dollar value what true feminists (both men and women) have worked so hard to achieve is the real throw-back here.

    • 29 June 2012
  • Cronus321 says ....

    Real feminists don't judge other women.
    Tired of having this argument for the past 30 years.

    • 29 June 2012
  • lesh13 says ....

    Feminism is about having free choice to do what you choose as a woman. Not to have to follow the mold of those who take a career. How sad, that the few SAHMs left are being penalized again by those who work. I have never looked back on my career from the day my first little one was born. They are my career and the benefits are unseen but of more worth to me than gold. These are the years that I can never get back. They grow up so fast. I want to be there at the cross roads, when they come home, at their accomplishments. If I was working that would not be possible. How blessed I truly am.

    Feminism will die the minute we start labeling and making choices for one another. Please lets celebrate feminism in all it forms not just the cookie cutter one, good for those of us with jobs.

    • 29 June 2012
  • BellesBelly says ....

    I am not a SAHM but I am seriously considering it. Does it mean I am not a feminist?? maybe. Do I care? No. Being a mom, regardless of whether you are a working mom or SAHM has way more perks than any career and it is CHOICE that allows us to be "real" women. Gone are the days when women were not allowed to work. Gone are the days when it was frowned upon. Gone are the days when women didn't have a choice. We now have a choice and it is up to each of us as women to support our sisterhood in their choice. Enough of the deciding a woman's worth by the title she has. The most important title is MOM. Not what comes before it. Period.

    • 29 June 2012
  • Superfille07 says ....

    I am currently on mat leave of baby #5 and I dream each and every day that I will be able to stay at home come September. It is all about being able to make that choice. Money just comes to mess up everything. Being free to choose and being independant shouldn't have anything to do with money. Being a SAHM doesn't stop me from doing things I love to do like renovations and building things on top of spending my most valuable time with the most important people in my life. Going to work does because I need to spend the bulk of my day away from all that I love. So, for me, choosing to be a SAHM is respecting myself and valuing myself and my family is, at the basis, what I consider my best shot at being a feminist. If my priority was different then I would be doing something different. For me, being a feminist is to not fall into that house wife pattern just because it is expected from you. For me, having that choice and making it freely is the key. Nothing more.

    • 29 June 2012
  • Tammy Clouthier (not verified) says ....

    Feminism is about the right to choose. I choose to stay home with my children, whether or not that is recognized as a paying job. Yes, my husband brings home the pay cheque but I earn every cent of the 50% that I believe I am entitled to.

    • 29 June 2012
  • Anonymous says ....

    Sorry, I thought feminism was about giving women choices? Whether we choose to work (I do) or stay at home and care for our families, we are still feminists, because we support each woman's right to choose what is best for her.

    For Wurtzel to imply that a woman is not a feminist because she has made the choice to stay at home and care for her family is wrong. It's forcing a woman to work (whether out of financial need or some sense that staying at home makes one LESS) is wrong. When this whole movelment started (as I understand) it was about giving women options in their lives. Once again, we have pulled the classic mommy-judgement on anyone who does not "do as I do".

    It's crap. SAHM's are very valuable - and they contribute financially - they're usually the one's managing the household money, after all. And the worth to their families is immeasurable.

    • 29 June 2012
  • thorneyb says ....

    When will we learn to support one another? We all have choices and all want to do what is best for our families. That's the bottom line.

    To me, the word feminism is so outdated. We should just be working toward equality for all and support one another no matter our situation.

    • 29 June 2012
  • KateHP says ....

    WOW! Miss Wurtzel needs to get her head on straight! Feminism is about having equal opportunity and CHOICE. Whether I choose to stay home with my child for 1 year or 5, or choose to go back to work to work when my baby is 2 weeks old: no one should make anyone feel like less of a mother, or less of a WOMAN. It takes a strong woman to stay home everyday and raise her child, and it takes a strong woman to LEAVE that child and go out and bring home the bacon. Let's ENCOURAGE women's choices rather than bash them!

    • 29 June 2012
  • CHendy (not verified) says ....

    Whether a woman earns money or not does not directly have anything to do with feminism. The right to have the choice to enter the workforce and be treated equally with men does. The ability to have the same careers and earn the same income for the same work does. Having choices is key, but the choice you make is a personal one and does not impact women's rights in any way.
    I earned my own income, lived on my own, and was the definition of independence before meeting my husband and having children. I still consider myself to be independent in spirit and mind, but my life will never be as it was when I was on my own. If I wanted it to stay that way, I never would have gotten married and had children.
    I was not forced or coerced into marriage and childbearing - that was my CHOICE. And having made that choice, it became my responsibility to fulfill my role as mother and wife. I worked after my maternity leave ended with our first child, but my husband and I decided I would stay home after our second child was born. The behavioural changes (for the better) in my firstborn now that I am home with her is incredible, so I know that for my family this was the right decision. And when my girls reach an age where they no longer need me home with them full-time, I will again have the choice to enter the workforce. Thank goodness I have been blessed with such options.

    • 29 June 2012
  • Valerie Laurie (not verified) says ....

    Yes, Tina, you are going to get some flack from me.

    First off,I have no problem with SAHMs. After spending my wonderful year of mat leave with my babe, I can absolutely understand and appreciate why women choose to stay home. I chose to go back to work because I and my husband decided that was what was best for me and our family.

    So I don't have an issue with you staying home, so how dare you have an issue with me going back to work? To say that it is every women's job to cook and clean and be home when the kids are, is definitely sending the women's movement back to the dark ages. "Dad gets to be the head of the household"???? WTF? My husband is (almost) as involved in the raising of our boy and maintaining our home as I am. In fact, he does most of the cooking. I don't feel less of a woman for that, but it seems to me, you'd think so. "If women stay home, there'd be more jobs for the men"?? Sorry, but I'm too angry about that statement to write a coherent response. Seriously.

    The worst part about all of this is pitting women against each other. It's such a sensitive issue that we get defensive of our own positions, usually to the detriment of the other. Can we all just respect that no matter our choices, we are all valuable, contributing members of society?

    • 29 June 2012
  • julwhit says ....

    I grew up thinking that feminism meant I had a choice. I spent 14 years in the work force and had a 6 figure salary and senior position at the firm when I chose to become a SAHM. We lost 2/3rds of our income so this choice was not made lightly. I was told where I worked that if I wanted it all I needed to hire a nanny and a housekeeper. The senior men in the same position were all married to SAHMs and the women were either single or had no children. Raising my son is the hardest job I have ever had. I never shut off. I was used to working all night long but this is an entirely different world. I can chose to go back to work anytime but I can't redo my son's childhood.
    If someone wants to measure my worth then take the cost of what a nanny, or daycare would cost. A SAHM does much more than both of these options and gets no money only love...and its worth it. One woman below responded that there are women who want to live off their husbands....well there are husbands who want to live off their wives too. It goes both ways now. It is about choice and what works for your family. No one has the right to judge.

    • 29 June 2012
  • Rural Life (not verified) says ....

    Mrsanonymous below said it best! I have been a career focussed feminist for 20 years, buying my own home in my 20's and doing everything independently. I am currently on my second mat leave, have a 2 year old and I am planning on how to leave my career to be a SAHM. I still consider myself to be as much of a feminist now as I was in my 20s and the ideas of leaving my career is sad because I have worked so hard for it BUT thinking of having a "nanny" or daycare raise my children is frightening. Fortunately my husband and I are financially able to do this at this point our lives.

    • 29 June 2012
  • AmeliaMom (not verified) says ....

    To say that there is only one way to measure a woman's worth is the precise opposite of true feminism. Being a feminist is about having the power to CHOOSE your life. To choose to have children or not. To choose (if you can afford it) not to earn an income. If you are a SAHM because that is what you want to do and it fulfills you and it is the best way you feel you can make your contribution to society than I say "good for you!". Frankly, it's a lot more empowered than being forced to work because that is the only financially viable option.

    • 29 June 2012
  • Beth says ....

    I think it's ridiculous to say that just because someone doesn't earn a paycheque they're not a feminist. Do I get to be a feminist because I earn a part-time paycheque? Probably not because I make a lot less than my husband. I am a p/t SAHM and I spend that time raising two lovely boys who will grow up to be respectful of women. They will become men who know the worth of a strong, smart woman. I think that's a big contribution to the feminist movement, as is raising women who will demand respect from the males in their lives. This mothering work we do is very important. Paycheque or no paycheque.

    • 27 June 2012
  • tinakoll (not verified) says ....

    Unfortunately, I think the family unit and traditions have been left to pot since mums are made to work to help support house payments etc. I know I will get a lot of flack for what I'm about to say, but here goes, I believe that women should stay home from the moment they become mums. Mother's have the sacred job of bringing up wholesome,respectful,loving, peaceful children, to develop them to become respectful, hard working adults. Also to make sure that Dad is (made to feel) that he is the head of the household (even though we all know it's mum) and that in the end Dad has the last say (with a little input from mum). This way, more jobs would be left open for the men? Whenever the children come home from school or play or whatever, mum should be home to welcome them with a hot meal ready and to know where they've been, when dad comes home from work, mum and the kids should be there to spoil him. Our "careers" at home raising a family is much more of a reward than having a 'president' sign on your office door. Yes, there will be lazy SAHM's but there are lazy women in the workplace too.

    • 27 June 2012
  • mrsanonymous says ....

    I think this topic strikes a chord with a lot of "career-oriented" women because for many women who spend their lives dedicated to their career and being successful and making a name for themselves in their respected industry, it frustrates them to know there are women out there with complete contrasting priorities. I have the utmost respect for women who decide to stay at home when placed in situations where it makes the most sense to ensure their child has the best upbringing. But, as a feminist and a highly ambitious career women, I think what bothers myself and women in this category is that there are women out there who chose partners with the sole intention to live off their husbands' wealth and want nothing more than to become eventual SAHM's. Let's be honest, there are those that are driven, caring, motivating, and hardworking SAHM's and then there are opportunists and lazy SAHM's that want any excuse to not have to work or financially contribute to their family and then place enormous expectations and pressures on their spouses to deliver ...we've all seen the franchise series Real Housewives of _____. To sum this up, there are women who make sacrifices to become SAHM and feel a loss for not being able to focus on their careers and those that never had the intention of being independent or a financial contributing member of their household.

    • 26 June 2012
  • Talulla (not verified) says ....

    Well said.
    I stumbled into being a SAHM and wouldn't change it for anything. I had a woman actually tell me I was pushing the women's liberation movement back 50 years by staying home with my daughter. I calmly explained that women's lib gives me a CHOICE! 50 years ago, I would be a stay home mom because that was my only option. Now women (or men, for that matter) can decide for themselves how they want to have a family.
    As for not earning a salary, my husband regularly reminds me I contribute so much to our family. I take care of an entire human being. I keep our home in order. It is me that makes sure bills are paid, the pantry is stocked, every one eats, and has clean clothes. I am the one that deals with fixing broken things (even if this means telling my husband to fix it).
    I dare any one to look me in the eye and say I am not useful or important in this world.

    • 26 June 2012
  • Anchel Krishna says ....

    Such a well-written post. I'm a SAHM. I believe in equality and self-worth, and that is what I will teach my daughter. It has nothing to do with me earning an income or not earning an income. It has everything to do with me being able to make a choice that is right for me and my family.

    • 25 June 2012
  • Fatima (not verified) says ....

    The religion I follow has accords Women the right the keep any money they earn for themselves. It is the responsibility of the man to provide for her (her father before marriage). This gives us the freedom to spend our time as we wish. As their is nothing wrong with relying on your father to provide for you what is wrong with letting your husband provide for you?

    • 25 June 2012
  • Tricia Barett-Butler (not verified) says ....

    I found this quote:
    “A feminist is anyone who recognizes the equality and full humanity of women and men.”
    ― Gloria Steinem
    Where in the definition of 'humanity' does it say you must have a job? Is Elizabeth Wurtzel really going to put her assumption of a definition up against Gloria Steinem?
    As far as I'm concerned, a feminist is anyone, man or woman, who believes that not only is judging a woman based only on her being a woman is wrong; but is also willing to do something about it.

    • 25 June 2012
  • Nancy Ceresia (not verified) says ....

    I couldn't agree more. It infuriates me to see such a one-dimensional definition of feminism. The ability to make personal choices and be proud of them is really what empowers women and all members of society, regardless of gender. I wrote an article on my blog about this and the archaic structure of society in terms of making it nearly impossible to have both a career and be a mother and have a family - one almost always suffers. I admire the women today who have redefined feminism by taking control and being unapologetic for taking on the role of primary nurturer, making their families their priority, often while starting their own businesses and being successful on their own terms. There is another author (another Elizabeth!) who I referred to in my article as well (The Conflict by Elisabeth Badinter) who echoes the sentiments of Wurtzel, tying feminism to financial independence. In an era where children are being medicated at an alarming rate, and the high rates of depression and stress are coming to light, I think it's high time people who turn their backs on societal convention are applauded for their courage to do what is right for them and their families. Thank you for your article in such a well-read publication for Canadian mothers.

    Here is my article with thoughts about the same issue: http://doilookfatinthesepants.blogspot.ca/2012/05/this-article-is-dedica...

    • 25 June 2012