How Rebecca Eckler left her baby for a vacation
Canadian journalist Rebecca Eckler wrote a post about leaving her 10-week-old baby to go to Mexico and ignited a new debate.
Photo: Facebook/Rebecca Eckler
Earlier this week, Canadian journalist and author Rebecca Eckler posted a blog on Mommyish.com titled, "I'm Leaving My 10-Week-Old To Go On Vacation." And of course, the Internet divided into two camps: "How could she do such a thing? What about the NEEDS OF THE BABY?" and "Who cares?"
Good Morning America caught wind of this story and seems to have decided that the comments in the original post were worth delving into. And so, Eckler’s blog post became the perfect platform for this month's mommy war.
Full disclosure: I know Rebecca Eckler. I was her editor for years when she blogged at Sweetspot.ca, and through that experience we became friendly. Rebecca writes what she knows. She writes candidly (often provocatively) about being a privileged parent, which many of us can't relate to. With a daughter from a past relationship and an infant son from her new marriage, her story doesn’t offer a linear fairy tale and that's part of the interest. But the real draw is how she's always managed to extract drama while navel-gazing. She has a way of justifying her non-traditional decisions in a post, while simultaneously expressing guilt at the choice. And readers either love it or hate it. Regardless, they read it.
Whether you adore or detest her writing, I appreciate that she brings up subjects no one wants to talk about. She openly discusses her refusal to breastfeed, for example. And while, as a pro-breastfeeder I cringed when I first read that, as a feminist, I think a woman should have a right to choose who touches her body. Same goes for Eckler’s Chatelaine article defending her wish to have a C-section over a vaginal birth. Rebecca frequently gets us fired up about a subject that needs healthy debate.
The real issue here is that people are divided about whether a mom can leave her young baby for a few days and how that might affect the infant. If you watch the Good Morning America clip, Jennifer Ashton, the OB-GYN-mom on the panel, states there’s no medical information on whether Eckler’s actions might harm the baby in the long-term. “All we know is that babies’ developmental task is to bond with their caregiver and form trust that their needs will be met… no one can tell you how much a week away will jeopardize those tasks.”
The other mom on the panel, Jill Zarin of The Real Housewives of New York, mentions that many parents don’t have a choice. “I went back to work after six weeks … it’s a little bit hypocritical. If someone … the husband/wife had to go away for work after 10 weeks, you wouldn’t even be discussing it.” In the United States, where maternity leaves pale in comparison to Canadian and international ones, I have to side with the Housewife on this one.
So here we are. No one has a 100 percent definitive answer. Here’s what I think: 10 weeks into parenting, you’re very tired. The idea of sleeping in a bed uninterrupted and eating meals without someone needing you would be very tempting. Regardless of who you are, the idea of leaving your baby to take time for yourself would be gut-wrenching. Eckler’s experience is unattainable to most, but she shouldn’t be judged too harshly for it. She left her son in the care of his grandmother and nanny, both of whom we might assume have formed a loving bond with the child. She needed a break and was vocal about it. I honestly believe the anger of many of Rebecca Eckler’s commenters comes more from a place of not loving how she presented her story, rather than the story itself.
I wish more of us would speak up when we need to take some time for ourselves in those early days of parenting. Recharging your batteries makes you a better parent. I’m not suggesting that we all take week-long sojourns to the tropics when the going gets tough, but asking a trusted friend or family member to come by so you can grab a walk and a coffee by yourself – well, that’s just common sense. If we stop treating motherhood like a sport we have to excel at, I think we’d be happier. That age-old cliché is true: When mom’s happy, everyone’s happy.
At Today's Parent, we believe that parents need to make choices that work for their individual family. This wouldn’t have worked for my family — I would have sobbed into my margarita for six days and worried that I would die in a fiery plane crash as punishment for being the kind of mom that needs to go to an all-inclusive. But that’s for my therapist to judge. I did once leave my four-month-old with my mother for an evening to go see a Duran Duran concert, so I’ve got my own vices. Glass houses, stones and all that. Isn’t it time we just gave the judging a break?
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Andreansyah (not verified) says ....
Hi Cara,Thanks for your comment. It's a great rmnieder to woman that they should check with their baby's doctor before making decisions about which formula is appropriate - not all babies or formulas are alike - health should always be first and for most. Cheers,Eden
Nicolaas (not verified) says ....
I like the idea of samples for botltes and diapers but as a mom of 3 who formula fed the advice about trying out different samples of formula is dangerous and against what pediatricians recommend for babies. I like this blog and the baby features but caution anyone reading to make sure to consult with a doctor before taking advice about nutrition or medical issues!
Alyssa Hodder (not verified) says ....
I don't see why we need to spend time analyzing others' parenting decisions. Everyone makes the decisions that are best for their own families, whether it's newborn feeding or time spent with/away from baby or anything else. Bottom line is, who cares? You make your choices and I'll make mine, thank you very much.
Maria Montessori (not verified) says ....
That child was definitely better off for the week Mom was gone. Too bad (for her son) Eckler can't afford to take longer, more frequent, vacations.
But the real issue here is that reporting junk like this just makes me want to let my subscription to TODAY'S PARENT expire.
If "firestarter" crap like this is the best the editorial team can come up with, it might be time to let this title fade away.
Jump the Shark much, TP?
fra (not verified) says ....
I probably would if i had my parents close to me and able to help me, not at a young age but after a year old, i would like to go away for a weekend.
My husband and i have not had a date night, a dinner together or a solo night in 4 years, since we started having kids. I am exhausted and i think a vacation would do me good! but we have nobody able to help, so we have no choice. lucky are the moms who can choose to go out or have a vacation.
Anonymous says ....
I would rather see Today's Parent do and article about how to talk to your friend after miscarriage, when she is struggling with infertility or after she has lost her child than focus time and energy on a woman who is clearly trying to be provocative to gain attention. Who clearly takes having healthy children for granted and clearly is not a typical parent.
Hayley (not verified) says ....
Ouch tough subject and I do agree we should not judge, however we are all entitled to our own opinion and beliefs. As a mother I can see both sides - to a degree. The long to be with you little one and the need for sleep and a break - we all say we woulod love sleep and a bit of a break. However, I do also believe that it is your choice to have children and you are committed to them every day of your life. If due to circumstances you HAVE to leave your children early because of work for example then this is understandable and usually something you have no control of as you are obviously working FOR them and are making the sacrifice FOR them and your family. PLUS you will see them that day when you come and most likely (depending on your shift of course) be with them overnight etc. So even though you are leaving them, you are not really "leavng" them. Going on vacation for a week - you do not see them at all. Plus the vacation isn't a HAVE TO it's a WANT TO - you have control over this. Maybe I am old school but I believe as a mother especially if you WANT children then WANT to be with them and make that commitment to them. Renewing vows and romance can wait, sleep can wait, partying or getting away can wait, these are the kids you wanted afterall and they should come first. Spending perhaps a day or a night away (which even I could never do with a 10 wk old) with your husband or a friend is one thing, but a whole week in another country? I think that is a tad extreme and honestly as a mother something I can't understand. A break is a break - it is not intended to be a vacation. Plenty of mothers take time during the day or the odd night here or there to go out with the girls to refresh themselves or go out with the hubby for some romance but a whole week is, I believe, uncalled for. I have soon to be 3 children and I would NEVER leave my kids and would not miss a day of their precious lives. I have been sleep deprived like many, and at times go out for a tea and shopping and meet with a friend but I would never trade in a week of my newborn for a week of sleep or vacation - I do think it's a bit selfish. God forbid something happened to your child while you were away - how would you live with yourself? All for a vacation - would it be worth it then? All the I'm sorry's and I shouldn't have's won't change anything. When you make the decision to have children I think people seem to forget that life is no longer about you, but rather about them. One should of course not lose sight of doing for oneself, but should remember that in life children we have priorities and our children are the most important ones.
Anonymous says ....
My sister had to leave her newborn twins in the icu for months. Nurses took great care of them while she got to go home and get a full night's sleep every night. My neices are gorgeous with no emotional scars. My husband also went back to work at 2 weeks (far away from home!) for 6 full weeks. Nobody questions that, that was his job, he hated it, but my daughter has an awesome relationship with him. Grandmas give tons of love, kids are resilient, and now mom is now rested and able to give more. Kid's lucky if you ask me.
Your Name (not verified) says ....
Your Comment I Would not leave my new born they are still little and need you.I lost my husband 4 years ago I have a 4 year old and 7 year old I left my job to stay home full time with them I would love a vacation just to recharge my batteries.Until people don't know other people stiuations we should not judge
janelyid says ....
My husband and I left our 8 mth-old baby with her loving caregivers who have been taking care of her since she was 5.5 mths (I went back to work). I battled with fear that something terrible might happen to her while we were far away or us (terrible plane crush would leave her an orphan). I also felt quilty for thinking that I need a break from my baby. I also missed my baby on the 2nd night onward. But all in all, I was glad that we took the trip to rekindle our love for each other (we re-affirm our vows). The trip gave me space to rebalance my life (family vs work) and at the end I learned to do what's right for myself first. A creative, balanced mommy makes a happy home.
Ang (not verified) says ....
Would I leave my newborn home while I went on vacation? Heck No. Would I judge a mother who did? Heck No. I hate all this mommy judgement and mommy guilt. Worry about your own household ignore the rest, because guess what... there is someone else judging your parenting styles too. Just do what you feel is right for your family, that is what is important.
Traceyd (not verified) says ....
Good for her for taking the time to recharge. The baby was left with loving Grandma so, i am sure he was well taken care of.I am sure she missed him like crazy and came back with a new zest!So people should just not be soooo judgemental.I love that Rebecca is so forthright.
Loukia (not verified) says ....
There is a huge difference between a father going away when a baby is 10 weeks old, and the mother going away when the baby is 10 weeks old. A world of difference. Call me old fashioned... but seriously. If you're going to have a baby, take the responsibilty that comes with it, especially when the baby is an infant, and NEEDS his or her mother. I leave my boys now for two or three nights away, twice a YEAR, and they're seven and four and a half years old, and THAT is hard enough for me. I'm a mother first, always. Always.
Anonymous says ....
The thing that pops into my mind right away is...'but those tiny baby days are fleeting and short! Why would you leave then?'. I would not haven chosen to go on a vacation when my baby was so tiny and needing so much care. Of course, I was in the camp of exclusively breastfeeding so leaving for even 3 hours was a big deal, let alone a vacation.
I also agree with fellow commenters and think that Rebecca has opened the door to criticism by choosing to writing about leaving her baby. Which will obviously get a lot of mothers riled up and will also fetch more comments and more people reading the 'hot topic'.
Leslie (not verified) says ....
I firmly believe to each their own...in our early days with a newborn I would have truly appreciated a little help from family or sleeping longer than a few hours. Could I have left for a week? Probably not, but that's up to me isn't it?
I recently went on holiday by myself for two weeks (our child is now 20 months). The first week was lovely but by week two I was really missing our child...would I do it again? Yes - but only for one week.
I think the important thing to remember here is our individuality as parents/human beings. We all make decisions based on what works best in our life/family and should have respect for others decisions as they know best in regards to their own life, right? Right.
Guest_179678 says ....
When my daughter was 10 weeks old I was breastfeeding and the thought of leaving her for 7 days would have broken my heart. That being said, if someone had of handed me a plan ticket to Mexico I think I would have gone. 10 weeks in and very sleep deprived I would have sold my soul to get a full nights sleep. Good for her if she felt she was doing the right thing for her baby. Sometimes you just need to reset/recharge your batteries to be the best mom you can be.
PeskyPippi says ....
I don't think the debate is if you should leave your infant or not. To each her own.
I think the more interesting debate is if we are putting "mothers who suck" on pedestals.
I wrote about this here...feel free to comment!
http://peskypippi.com/2012/08/26/mother-sucker/
Jo (not verified) says ....
Hmmm - most of my friends in the US are back at work in 6-8 weeks due to short mat leaves. Their kids are fine and would be insulted & hurt if others told them otherwise. This is a 10 week old - for 6 nights. Dont get the fuss....
Amber Strocel (not verified) says ....
I think there's an important distinction to be made when it comes to judging. When Rebecca Eckler publishes her story on a public platform, she is to some degree inviting others to form an opinion on her actions. As a blogger myself, I understand this. When I blog about my parenting, I may get some dissenting opinions. If I don't want those opinions, then it's best to keep my story to myself.
This type of judgment is different than, say, laying into a mom you meet at playgroup because she made a different parenting choice than you. In one situation someone is intentionally putting their parenting on a public platform. In another situation, you're encountering someone just living their lives. It's apples and oranges.
This doesn't mean that it's okay to be rude or threatening, of course. But after having read a book and a number of articles by Rebecca Eckler, I have formed opinions on her myself. I have some ideas of where we see eye-to-eye, and where we differ. I would argue that by sharing her stories in the way that she has, this is the result she's hoping for - engagement. It's how she earns her living, after all.
Theri (not verified) says ....
Unless you've been widowed by the father ... KEEP YOUR LEGS SHUT and take the parental responsibility required in raising YOUR child. Obviously, this Rebecca (& others like her) are only thinking of Rebecca. She has already had one child, hence, supposedly knowledgeable about what's involved. To deprive an infant of its much needed colostrum within its first few months of life, is nothing short of neglect to his development. Formula babies in general, are prone to illnesses and obesity. Kids want their parent, not someone who is paid to mind them. It's no wonder there are so many troubled kids ... due to the feminist movements, there's no one HOME taking care of the responsibility of their babies / kids. Being a housewife and at-home mother is the most important position in the world, if you're lucky enough to become one. The generations since women starting proving they could do men's jobs in various business environments, have only managed to deteriorate the home / family ... kinds are now very disrespectful to adults, including teachers ... When there's no one home, to a kid, there is no one who really cares. If you want to have a baby, be sure its father is able to afford you being home caring for it at least until it's in school full days. It's not a lot of time to be away from the workplace to ensure raising & loving a child that you also get to KNOW. If not ... I reiterate ... KEEP YOUR LEGS SHUT
Rebecca Eisenmann (not verified) says ....
Very good article about this topic! I'm sick of the mommy wars. It feels old to me and really stupid. Each person has their story and purpose in life. I think the best we can do is be informed and really trust our instincts. I haven't left my 8m old alone yet because I didn't have a trusted caregiver. Now that I do, I feel dumb for not wanting/hiring her before because I probably wouldn't be as sleep deprived as I am. If she needed a break, she frickin' needed a break. WHO cares? Every mom and every baby is different. But one thing is for sure: it takes a village to raise a child! Everyone needs extra hands. Everyone.
CHeryl (not verified) says ....
The thing I always feel when I read about these kind of decisions is how spoiled we moms today are. When did our mothers and grandmothers ever have time for themselves? I think we lose some of the value of our role when we constantly carve pieces out of the job in order to create "me-time". The old if Mama ain't happy scenario has been skewed to say that Mama NEEDS to do whatever makes her happy and everyone else will benefit. As an often tired and yet privileged mom of 3 little munchkins I am learning and struggling to find my happiness in the sacrifices I make for my family. This is really a general social commentary as I think my generation (30 something) has become overly self-indulgent and I see the results in the spoiled kids who are over-indulged and think life owes them everything their hearts desire. Is it good parenting to set our kids up to fail when life hands them the proverbial lemons or should we be teaching them how to make lemonade?
dawna (not verified) says ....
“When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.” ― Wayne W. Dyer
Crys Wiltshire (not verified) says ....
Surprisingly, there is no stronger judgement passed than in the world of mothers. It is a crazy contrast to the nurturing and supportive nature that we show each other 75% of the time.
Each parent has the right to make decisions for their family (provided of course their legal and not harming anyone) and to the freedom of not being judged as a result.
We live in a society where the anonymity of the internet feeds to very opinionated bravery. I worry for our children in the future, when they google our names, and see just how blatantly the mothers of this generation have attacked one another on a mass and open forum.
For the record, there is no way I could have gone away when my little lady was only 10 weeks old. I would have been an utter mess, racking up a $5,000 phone bill calling home every 15 minutes. However, I did go back in to volunteer in my office a few hours a week by the time she was 6 weeks, so who am I to judge? My husband did go away for a week to Cuba when she was only 19 weeks old, and I survived. Barely ;)
To each their own. Every mother, every child & every family is different. It is easy to pass judgement and spit out harsh words from behind a computer screen, but there is no such thing as a perfect parent. Period.
http://www.ideallyspeaking.ca
Tarasview (not verified) says ....
Yes! So well said!
It doesn't matter if I would have done the same or not- if it is not a matter of a child abuse (leaving a child with a loving grandparent for a week is certainly not abuse) then we should all just support each other.
We tell our children to play nicely on the playground together and I think it is about time we take our own advice :)