5 ways to help your child through tragedy
A sick sibling, loss of a loved one or pet... Here are five ways to help your children deal with tragedy or trauma.
Photo: Matthew Brown/iStockphoto
2012 was supposed to be The Year of Awesome. But alas, so far it's been marked by tragedy, loss and trauma for my family.
Earlier this week, we had to say goodbye to my cat of 16 years. Not a week before that, our neighbours' 33-year-old son drowned, leaving three young kids and a grieving wife behind. And back in May, my son fell extremely ill at school, and we spent a week at Sick Kids Hospital — thankfully, he is now in good health.
With an (un)fair share of tragedy and trauma behind us, I've learned a lot about going through such things with my young children (ages five and seven). With the help of parenting expert Alyson Schafer, and based on my own experience, here are five ways to help your children deal with tragedy or trauma.
1. Be honest about what has happened
Lying to your children is generally not advised, and it's taxing to pull off when you yourself are going through the tragedy or trauma too. Spend the minimal energy you have on being truthful, and trust that whatever happened is an important life experience that will help your children develop good coping skills and become strong, well-adjusted individuals. Of course, be mindful of your child's age and level of maturity. As Schafer puts it, "Parents must be age-appropriate with how many details they give, but always honest."
2. Be honest about your emotions
We had to put our cat Marge down immediately after dropping our kids off at their first day of school yesterday. So I experienced a horribly confusing mix of emotions. The only thing I could do was be open about how excited I was for them to start fresh at school, and how sad I was about the death of our family pet. "Mama, your eyes are dark," my son said as we waited in line at the schoolyard. "Yes, Honey, I've been crying because I'll miss Marge."
Being open about your emotions will help your kids express and explore their own, as well. "Be sure to reinforce the idea that people have many different emotions and express them in different ways," Schafer shares. "I was told it was 'OK' to be sad Grandpa was dead, but I was secretly happy because I was afraid of him, and I felt guilty for not being 'sad' like I was supposed to."
3. Listen to them
Your kids are going to say appalling things in the face of tragedy or trauma — take it from me. But know that this is simply their way of processing events that are extremely difficult (on several levels) for their young minds to grasp. Continue to encourage honesty and have an open dialogue. And observe how the processing of events unfolds in their imaginary play (it's fascinating and telling).
4. Keep them busy and in their routine
"Any expression of 'action' is healing," says Schafer. "Just as an adult may want to 'do something' (like raise money for cancer if they have a family member suffering from the disease, for example), so children want to 'do something' helpful too, like writing the nurses a card or drawing a picture to cheer up a hospital room." When my son was in the hospital, my daughter made a card for him and taped a photo of herself on it. "It's so you'll think of me," she explained.
I also made sure she was busy with Grandma, going to school every day and to her programs, as always. Maintaining her routine not only helped her manage the reality that her home life was upside down (with half her family living at the hospital), but it also showed her that life goes on — another big lesson in all of this.
5. Stay positive
As Schafer puts it, "Being appreciative and showing gratitude for what is right and good in our lives does help all to gain perspective." I like to use a metaphor to help my kids feel positive and at-ease about life, based on our family's shared love of canoeing and spying on the graceful loons floating on the lake.
"Look at the loons," I said to my daughter when we were canoeing over the weekend. "See how they float on the water?"
"Yeah, Mama."
"That's like life. Sometimes you hit a big wave, but you keep floating."
I'm still determined to make 2012 The Year of Awesome. I'm sorry that my family has had to go through so much; indeed, we're still recovering from the events of last May. My son has recovered physically, but admittedly, he's still scarred on an emotional level. An open discussion with the doctor has helped me understand and patiently wait out the recovery period, and to trust that everything will be OK in time. Until then, we will keep floating and enjoy calmer waters ahead.
Do you have any other tips to help families deal with trauma?
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Dana (not verified) says ....
I would like to add be patient. Last year my 2 year old was diagnosed with leukemia. She is the youngest of 3. My middle child was very afraid. We were in the hopsital for a month and now if she gets a fever we have to take her straight to the hospital for tests. My middle one is still scared. There are times he comes home from school and Grandma is there because we had to go to the hospital. We have to be very understading of his feelings and teach him that even if one of us (his parents) can't be there that Grandma will be. He needs to feel that security. Repeating ourselves when he asks the same question for the 20th time can get annoying, but we have to think on his level and be very patient and understanding...
momvstheworld says ....
Probably not the writer's fault, but this title is very misleading, though it does have some good advice, especially for the parent trying to control their personal grief. It is wonderful she is surviving the aftermath and trauma of those serious experiences, but I was expecting anecdotes of tragedy or stuff that's more tragic than traumatic, so less pet deaths, more family deaths, divorce, shootings, etc.
fitvsfiction says ....
I agree with being honest. When my best friend's father died when I was 8, my parents told me very little about what happened and I became very afraid of death. Terrified actually. The unknown was scarier for me than the truth would have been.
Both of my parents and my brother died before my kids were born and it's so important to me that they know about them, but it's also important that speaking about them isn't sad or morose. Many years ago, I started a tradition where we do Random Acts of Kindness on their birthdays. (Buying lunch for strangers at the McDonald's drive-Thru, treating 10 strangers to coffee anonymously at a cafe, bringing toys or books to kids in need)
It's a way of CELEBRATING their lives instead of mourning their deaths. Works for us! :o)
karengreeners says ....
I think it's also important to be sad in front of your kids. My dad passed away when I was 8 months pregnant with my second, and there was no way I could contain the tears in front of my 2 1/2 year old.
Grief is ok, and being sad is a normal, healthy part of grieving. It's been 5 years and my kids (even the one that never knew him) know that I sometimes still get sad thinking about him. But we can talk about it, and they can be sad, too.
I'm so sorry it's been a tough year for you, Haley.
Melissa Power (not verified) says ....
My daughter was 2.5 when her grandfather was dianogsed with stage 4 cancer. Since we lived in the same house, it made sense to explain to her that Pappy was sick, especially since she noticed he wasn't as on-the-go with her as her used to be. While I couldn't explain cancer (and still can't) she did understand what she needed to at the time. Weeks before her 3rd birthday, her Pappy passed away. While I had no idea what to do, or what to tell her, I did my best. She came with us to the hospital when we got the call (it was before 7am), she kissed him and said goodbye. She also came to the funeral home, though just with my mom, and 2 sisters. She thought he looked like a "new Pappy". While it took me a long time to explain death itself to her, I knew that day that she got it. Almost 2 years later she still wishes Pappy didnt have to die, but she doesn't ask when he will be back. We talk about the good memories she has with him, and she has multiple pictures around her room of the two of them. If I learned anything from the situation, its that there is no right or wrong way to deal with the death of a close family member with kids so young, as long as you don't lie to them.