Lisa says: An open letter to moms who judge

I too did not breast feed my son. I wanted to due to cost but he didn't take to it and I was highly uncomfortable trying. I had a public nurse come to the house while I was having trouble and ended up kicking her out cause she was angry with me for using a bottle, told me my son would not be as educated or highly functioning is I didn't stick with the breast. My son is now 5 years old, started to read at the age of 3 and can speak both French and English . Children who are formula feed are just as smart as breast fed children .

I totally agree with you. And in an ideal world, everyone commenting below could have just said they agree with you or not, and not feel compelled to indicate whether they breastfed or formula fed. Because we are continuing to divide ourselves by putting ourselves in one camp or the other.

Again, I totally agree with you. And it's got nothing to do with how I fed my children.

KristyP,

Thanks for reading. Don't think you got my point -- I don't understand the need to single people out as "breastfeeding supporters," which is why I wonder what the hell a breastfeeding supporter is.

I once had a reader suggest I was doing a disservice to women by admitting that I fed my kids formula. I feel like this is what you're getting at by suggesting I should think of my influence when I'm writing (which I do and take very seriously).

I worry about the new moms and pregnant moms who are actually made to think that breastfeeding is far more superior for their babies than scary, toxic formula. And that mothers who don't breastfeed their babies aren't giving them what's best. If we're all being honest, breast isn't "best" for every mother -- what makes her happy and keeps her child healthy is best. Formula, breastmilk, whatever. Those who insist that breast is always best aren't letting new parents make their own decisions without inducing guilt, but that's just my opinion.

I wish someone -- other than my mother and mother-in-law -- had made this point clear to me when I was struggling and feeling so guilty about not wanting to nurse. Thankfully I came to my senses, and my children thrived and continue to today.

Lisa

I followed the link to the survey results you are talking about here and the survey itself is only asking the questions of readers to topics that are real and out there already. It is a survey asking questions of people to answer as they agree or disagree. There is no judgement in the survey.
This article on the other hand is quite negative. If you ask the question in your article "What the HELL is a breastfeeding supporter?", then you're not one and are promoting the very segregation that you claim to be pointless. I am sorry you had some bad experiences early on with your baby but please think of your influence when writing. There are many many new moms and pregnant moms out there who don't really understand that breast milk and formula are two very different things and breast milk is better for babies. This is stated as a fact not as a point of view to induce guilt. If that causes guilt for you then that's your own issue to deal with but don't try and change the facts so new parents can make their own decisions like you did yours.

Thank you for this. My little boy is 6 weeks old. I had such a hard time breastfeeding. The end result was i just didn;t have enough milk supply for him. I went through the lactat consultant, doctor, public health nurse. I was so sad I had to bottlefeed. and have made to feel guilty, and inadiquette from several other mothers. I have come to the conclusion that i can only do what my body allows me to do and that is not for lack of trying. I know I will still have the same bond with my baby. no matter what anyone says. opinions or sudjestions they have. It comes down to a personal choice that is really no ones buisness but your own. Thank you for writing this blogg post it help make me feel so much better!

Let's all repeat after me "IT IS. OUR RIGHT. TO CHOOSE!" what is best to yourself and baby. As primary caregivers we already have a lot on our plates, so much so I'm surprised we aren't all psychologically scared! Swaddle, don't swaddle, breastfeed or formula feed, natural birth or assisted, co sleep, crib sleep, cloth or disposable, vaccinate or don't. The last thing we need is someone clamouring down our throats and telling us what we are doing wrong and the repercussions that may happen (when done improperly). Let's be kinder to one another and focus on what is being done right. And if Mom and baby are happy then that's all that matters

With everything going on out in the world do we really need to be judging each other.

I breastfeed my first and couldn't wait to be done. I'm breastfeeding my second and generally can't stand it. I don't believe formula is bad but I don't go to it as it costs way too much and breastfeeding is free. I went against guideline with both kids and started solids at 4.5 months in hopes they would breastfeed less and hopefully sleep through the night.

All the parents that I know who used formula had better night sleeps and I'm very envious. It's hard to be a good mother when you are exhausted from not sleeping very much or getting very broken sleep.

There you have it. I'm a parent who breastfeeds and I don't like it. I'm amazed at others who say they love every minute cause I can't wait for it to be over. I wasn't able to pump with the first so haven't even tried with the second. I sometimes wish when we were out that I could just pull a bottle out and give it to her rather than look for a place to sit that's out of the way and one my toddler won't take off. Or in general I will not feed the infant while out. Pretty sad but true.

It's getting better as we are getting closer to 12 months when I plan to wean as much as possible. I feel I've done my duty on what's best. And no w I need to get back to me and do what's best cause it really is true. If momma ain't happy then no one is happy!

Thanks for the article Lisa.
I too didn't breastfeed my two boys (who I might add are healthy and loving children), but by no means had a problem with anyone who does.
The issue at hand that needs to be addressed is more than just the judging of breastfeeding/bottle feeding. Its the judging that goes beyond the breast feeding and bottle feeding.
The judging of mothers just begins with that and continues through out the toddler and child rearing years.
Its the cloth vs disposable diapers, the jarred vs home made baby food, etc etc.
We as mothers are supposed to support each other, not bring each other down. How someone else raises their child, what food they feed them, what activities they do, what school they go to is not for me to comment on or to judge, its for me to support that person and their decision to do whats right for their own child. I am not raising their child, I don't know whats in the best interest of the child they do so why would I judge what they are doing?
We as mothers (and fathers, I know there are a lot of them out there) need to get past this. We need to start supporting and not bashing each others decisions. Parenting is hard enough as it is, why make it any harder on someone else because you don't agree with the choice they make?

we are all for breastfeeding in our home, but the important point you touched upon cannot be ignored: do what works best for you and your baby and anyone who has an issue with that needs to step aside and worry about themselves more.

Hi Lisa
I think the options offered for the last question you posted are absurd!
When I had my first son, I was so determined to "do the right thing" and breastfeed that I sacrificed the happiness of our family to do it. I was heartbroken that I had to supplement my breastmilk with formula and even more heartbroken when I gave up breastfeeding completely at 6 months. However, when I realized how much better our quality of life was, I wondered why I didn't give in sooner.
While pregnant this time, I debated whether or not to even try breastfeeding again. I did try and it's been so much easier this time around in some aspects. My first son had trouble latching and we used a nipple shield, which was my biggest pain in the butt. The other thing was I still had to mix formula and wash/sterilize bottles, the biggest drawback of formula feeding to me. This time, we're five weeks in, my baby has no trouble latching and that part of nursing has been smooth as silk. What I do find is that nursing takes up SO MUCH TIME compared to bottle feeding, my older son is jealous of the time I spend with our newborn. It's harder to schedule things since when breastfeeding you can't tell how much the baby has eaten and even harder to know when he's going to want to eat again.
I have to agree with another commenter that even though society is pro-breastfeeding, in theory, the general public don't want to see you doing it. Our biggest mall here has a "rest area" with one little stall with a rocking chair and a playroom for older kids. The Sears store also has a nursing room. Why do breastfeeding moms have to be shut away to feed their babies? But that's a question for another time. :)
Moms judge other moms no matter what we do; that's human nature.

Lisa:

I hope people would take the time to make their own informed decisions, rather than taking what I say (or what anyone else says) as gospel.

That said, I wasn't expressing an opinion in my survey. I was soliciting the opinion of others.

I didn't breastfed my twins. Neither seems to have any attachment issues, neither has horrible allergies (possibly some environmental allergies, but nothing that requires epipens or monthly injections). Whatever else.

Formula by prescription only? Because doctors aren't influenced by marketers? Drug companies spend huge amounts of money and resources influencing doctors to prescribe certain medications etc. I cannot believe we are reaching a point where we would have women advocate to take away any type of right and choice of another woman.

Annie @ PhD in Parenting,

Thanks for your response. I hear what you're saying, but I respectfully disagree.

My fear is this: You (and others who have -- or come across as having -- extreme opinions) might not realize the extent to which some women take your word as gospel. You have incredible reach and influence over social media. Not all of your readers are going to be confident, independent, well-adjusted, highly educated women who know that giving a baby formula is actually completely fine, and that breastfeeding is only a choice -- breast is NOT best for every mother and every baby, and no one should be made to feel like it is.

I write extensively on parenting and health issues for national magazines, so I'm pretty savvy on what the WHO, etc., says about nursing (I'm also a fantastic researcher). I'm also someone who had (and has) PPD, and has been publicly judged for my decision to not breastfeed, and for coming out as someone who actually hated doing it. I always appreciated the support I got -- not from fellow formula feeders, but from women who said things like, "Who cares how you feed your baby? As long as you're both happy and healthy, that's all that matters."

Thanks again,
Lisa

Lisa, The results are here http://www.phdinparenting.com/2013/01/21/what-does-it-mean-to-support-br...
I think the fact that so many breastfeeding supporters drew the line at Rx formula shows the solidarity that I personally feel.
Formula companies? Slimy. Who cares if they can advertise.
Putting limits on another mom (or dad)? Absolutely unacceptable.

This is too funny - only because it looks like the source of this in the first place is from a silly blog called PhD in Parenting??!! Why bring up this tiresome (non?)issue again, especially when you are going to get the same set of answers as usual from the same two camps? Hold firm in your own choices and don't procrastinate with useless twitter links ;)
I'm going to go write a doctoral thesis on coffee drinking and spin class...

I have 2 kids and I wasnt able to breast feed
As i didnt produce enough milk. Every article
About breast feeding made me feel so guilty.
I wish there are articles that support moms
Who cant breastfeed. We need a
Lot of support than being made to feel like
Bad moms

When designing a survey, it is important to give a range of possibilities for people to respond to. Just putting up the options that I support would be leading and not at all scientifically sound. The survey included a mix of things that I do support and things I don't support. It included things with a lot of evidence behind them and things without.

I don't judge moms who formula feed. I support all mothers in their feeding choices. In addition to supporting women who want to breastfeed and are "happy and successful doing it" (as you say you do), I also support women who want to breastfeed and are struggling and desperately want a real, quality, supportive environment in which to reach their own breastfeeding goals. I also support women who choose to formula feed.

I don't have any interest in "ruffling feathers" or in having my feathers ruffled. I just want to see a world where there instead of pressuring moms to breastfeed and judging those who don't, we instead focus on creating an environment where moms have a better chance of meeting their own goals.

Your last statement said it all, we're all trying to do our best. While I would've loved to breastfeed, I couldn't make enough to sustain my kids. In fact, by the 2nd child the only way a nurse believed me was when I told them I had to take my 1st child into urgent care because he stopped eating altogether (tired of sucking & not getting any milk) and they almost had to put a feeding tube down his throat. The important thing is we're giving the kids what they need.

Hi Vy,

I haven't seen the results yet, but I (obviously) found the questions rather leading, in content and tone. I think doing away with formula advertising would be a disservice to women, but that's just my opinion. It's not illegal and there's nothing wrong with formula. Banning advertising feels a little anti pro-choice to me.

And the mere thought of having to beg/sell my case to a doctor for a prescription for formula is terrifying. (The only thing not terrifying about it would be that it would probably be covered by prescription, which would've saved me tens of thousands of dollars.)

Lisa

I didn't think that last question was judging, not in and of itself. I thought it was trying to determine just where breastfeeding supporters really stand. I identify as a breastfeeding supporter, so I took the survey. While I am in favor of doing away with formula advertising, especially those samples, which I think are insidious, I was shocked that so many fellow breastfeeding supporters argued in favor of formula being Rx only. However, the majority of us - who claim we support breastfeeding - believe it should be freely available for parents to purchase. I hope that would be the bigger take away!

Wow - well said Lisa. I too formula fed by son and he's well-adjusted, smart, healthy, active, not overweight and about to turn 6. I was formula fed and I am well-adjusted, smart, healthy, active and not overweight. I might also add I'm highly educated and very clearly understand the pros and cons to both breast and bottle feeding and still stand by my choice. But for mom's who go the breast-feeding route - all the power to you. Each family should feel comfortable doing what works for them without the worry of being judged/attacked by people who make different choices. End of story.

That survey would have made me crazy. I just read another article on this very issue on Huffington Post about the evil formula makers and that they should not have the right to advertise.. period. Like in the same realm as tobacco to kids. It's a free country, we all make out choices and it's really nobody's business whether or not I breastfeed, don't breastfeed or supplement. (I did the latter). I never felt when I had my baby that there was ANY pressure to use formula or not and I certainly wasn't swayed by the formula advertising. I had my heart set on breast feeding and I had to supplement since it took my son two weeks to latch. I pumped and supplemented. He's a healthy, happy almost 4 year old with no allergies, no ear infections, no additional health effects. I understand there are countries where water safety is an issue and hence using formula would be a problem but formula is an acceptable alternative to breastfeeding and women need to be able to make their own choices without judgement and bullying. Period.

THANK YOU! I have been waiting for someone to say this! I am too chicken and do not have the forum to do so. There is a lot of shame out there for us who have "failed our kids". Thank you Lisa!

Dear Lisa,

thank you soo much for this letter, I am glad that I am not the only mom who will have an unhealthy, fat and drug abusing child....I think every mom should be able to decide freely and without facing prejudices and / or bad comments how to feed, I always wondered who decided that breast feeding is best and all formula fed children would be sick and not loved...my son was breastfed for 8 weeks and then he would not drink milk from my breasts anymore...to be honest i was glad, i had an emergency surgery after giving birth and i was in so much pain when breastfeeding...there was no comfortable position for me and i really did not have that loving and intimate feeling...i took weeks for my body to recover and no one has the right to judge i would not love my son because of what kind of food i give to him when he was an infant...
i was never breastfed and i have no allergies, am hardly ever sick, i am not obese or anything of what had to happen to me nor is my husband, and so far my son is neither
my favourite comment is how much money it would have saved us if we would have continued breastfeeding...hello...fact: children are expensive and what is that supposed to mean!??!? am i supposed to breatsfeed because it saves me money?!?! i thought it was all about what is best for the baby...my answer that: only happy moms make happy babies....i just feel sorry for the women who would like to breatsfeed and can't for whatever reason and then have to face ignorant people like this

Ginny: Me? Not relaxed? Nah....

:)
xo

Kat a: I'm not judging anyone -- I could care less how women want to feed their babies, and I don't know why we need to continue segregating women based on how they choose to feed (because it is a choice -- you don't actually HAVE to nurse) their own kids.

Lisa

I formula fed all my kids. I did try to breastfeeed my oldest, but when the twins were born I didnt have any milk. I lasted 3 months with my oldest and after both of us being frustrated with me, I made the decision to switch to formula (Goodstart) and it was the best thing we did. He was instantly a happier baby. And then with the twins (8.5 week preemies), they were so little that they were fed formula (Goodstart again) through a feeding tube. You would never know that my kids were formula fed. They are happy, extremely smart, well mannered little boys. I dont ever regret the decision to have my kids on formula.

The above "statements" all come from the WHO recommendations about promoting breastfeeding. I work at a hospital that has the WHO "baby-friendly" designation. In a sense, you are right about the extreme nature of some people who promote breastfeeding. We all agree that "breast is best" but for some, it is not a viable option. We should not be making anyone feel inadequate or like a bad mother for not breastfeeding. In our society, we have to be more flexible because the issues are more complex.

while i think it's safe to say that as long as a baby is being fed, it doesn't rightly matter HOW they're being fed, as someone who chooses to and enjoys breast feeding, north americans in particular are not very supportive of women who chose to breast feed. being kicked out of stores, malls, restaurants for feeding their infants is not very supporting of our society overall.

i personally could care less how anyone else chooses to feed their child, but for those of us who do breastfeed, we are denigrated publicly quite regularly.

and in saying that you dislike mothers who judge, you're doing just that without looking at the other side of this coin.

I think that women should band together and realize that every women makes the decision she has to make to be the best mom they can be. I breast feed my first for almost a year and support my friends to make their own decision.In my opinion there is no good or bad choice but I think the best choice is made when mom is comfortable and happy which ever way she goes.

Thanks for this post...it helps me with my guilt about not breastfeeding my kinds. I tried it with my 2 kids, but it was not for us. I'm so tierd to ask myself what went wrong, every single day... :(

i totally agree with you i chose to bottle feed my kids due to the fact im lactose and i still got the lectures that i should be breast feeding it doest hurt the children like they make you think it does... my oldest who was premie now weighs in at 90 lbs at the age of 10 and in perfect health!!!