Lisa says: Boys marry girls, etc.
Addy learned a couple new words and Lisa had to give an impromptu lesson on marriage. What would you have done?
Addy with Manny on her second birthday
So Addy came home the other day from my parents' place and announced, "Daddy is your husband." Then she giggled. (And so did I. It was pretty funny.) She then grabbed my hand, walked me over to pictures on the wall in our family room and pointed to one of our wedding photos. "That's when you and your husband got married." (Ha ha ha.) I'm pretty sure the kid doesn't really know what husband or married means, but she was impressed with herself for learning the words.
Fast forward to yesterday and, while working on our handmade Valentine's and watching Handy Manny, I said, "I think Handy Manny and Kelly should get married." To which Addy giggles (even though I was serious) and replies, "What about Handy Manny and Mr. Lopart? Maybe they should get married."
Me: "No, Manny is a boy and so is Mr. Lopart."
Addy: "I can't marry Peypee." [Giggling]
Me: "Silly. Peyps is your sister. And she's a baby. And you're both too little to get married. And you're both girls. Girls don't marry other girls. Girls marry boys and boys marry girls."
Now, before I get blasted for telling my three-year-old that boys marry girls and girls marry boys, what would you have told your kid? Be honest. This doesn't have to do with religion or politics or my own personal beliefs. Frankly, I couldn't care less about what other people do, believe, who they marry, etc. I'm all for doing whatever floats your boat — whatever makes you happy.
But this conversation totally came out of left field. (What's next? My three-year-old asking how sperm meets egg? I'm so not prepared for these questions.) And the thing is, I don't regret telling her that boys marry girls and girls marry boys. I don't feel it's a topic appropriate for her age.
Have you had a similar conversation with your tot? How did/would you handle it?
Jennifer Garner is practically super mom
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What do you think?
Lisa van de Geyn says ....
Thanks for your comment, SEF. I certainly appreciate your respectful comments and understanding.
Meghan Dunn: I don't particularly care what people think -- I asked if parents have encountered this and how they did/would handle it. I've owned how I feel about my response to my daughter in the comments below -- perhaps you should read what I have to say before you respond.
In the meantime, I think it's time to put a period on this post and move on.
Thanks,
Lisa
Fookie says ....
Oh Lisa, you brave, brave girl. I think most posters are missing your point, but I have to say that I am disapointed that your first answer was the one you gave. HOWEVER, as you said, parents make mistakes and all we can do once we've made them is try to repair them. I do find it odd that you're not asking for advice on how to go back and let them know you were wrong about this, and misspoke (though I think that the answer is as easy as just going back and saying "remember how you asked me the other day if X and X could get married? i made a mistake, and actually they can get married blah blah blah blah").
I hope that since you believe that people should marry for love and don't care etc. and that this has nothing to do with your personal bias, that you will consider going back and letting your daughters know that anyone who loves each other (provided they are not immediate family) can get married.
For all you know, one or both of your girls will want to marry a girl one day. Best to show them from a young age that this is an perfectly normal and acceptable option.
SEF (not verified) says ....
Lisa - I'm another commenter who's not going to answer your question because I honestly don't know what I would have done -- I very well could have said the same thing you did!
I'm enraged at reading some of the comments, though, and I just wanted to say that I don't think you did anything wrong. I think the reason your off-the-cuff response was so biased (as Baby Blue Bird so strongly put it) was simply because, as you said, you don't have any homosexual relationships in your life and it's not on your radar. I'm in the same boat, and it's not on my radar either.
Simply by writing your post you are showing that you ARE thinking about it now. And NO WHERE in your post did you say or even imply that your are a homophobe. People are reading into it way too much. Also, there is no way that one answer to Addy is going to shape the way she views homosexuality. You will have a lot more opportunities to talk about this with both you daughters. And I suspect next time you'll be a bit more prepared... :)
This is one of the reasons I don't think I could blog publicly as you (and many others) do...I couldn't stand the comments. I admire you for putting yourself out there, and I respect the responses you've given below.
TorontoBeachMom1 (not verified) says ....
You live in Canada right? Same sex marriages are legal here. They have been for a few years. Whether your political or religious views differ, those are the facts. Why confuse your child by saying that they cannot marry? I'm sure as parents we all want the same thing, for our children to find love - in whatever form that may take. Let's not spread more more confusion and hate...we have a chance to have our children grow up without these prejudices of days past.
abaigaelsmum says ....
Honestly Lisa, I have no idea how I've answered questions (hot topics or not) from my kids because I'm sure in the few short years I've been parenting I've changed my answer to the same question as many times as it has been asked.
We do the best we can. I've said it before to anyone who will listen and I'll say it again....I am winning no parent of the year award. For as many that agree with my parenting style there are twice as many that don't. What can I do, except as I said, do the best I can and cross my fingers and hope for the best.
Parenting for me is like walking around with a blindfold on all day hoping that at the end of the day I'm still alive and haven't hurt or harmed anyone including myself! :) Take the comments with a grain of salt.
Baby Blue Bird (not verified) says ....
I was thinking of myself in the same situation - what would I say? I would have said 'yes, maybe Manny and Mr. Lopart could get married too.' I find it interesting that your 'off-the-cuff' would be so biased.
mrsbarrera says ....
I would have answered it exactly the same way you did.
TooFunny (not verified) says ....
Maybe you should have told Addy the REAL truth...Mr. Lopart is far too attatched to his mother and his cat to marry anyone!
Alex Mlynek says ....
Hi, I just wanted to step in to remind everyone that comments left here need to be respectful and constructive.
As Lisa has noted, she was relating an honest account of a situation with her daughter and she has admitted that she should have taken more time to think about her answer. We've all been there. She was looking for advice and information about a better approach. So let's please keep to that. Thank you, Alex, todaysparent.com.
Anonymous says ....
I agree with ErinL. I would have said the exact same thing to my kid as you said to yours. I also find it really nuts that people are reacting so harshly to a simple discussion. This is a forum to share parenting experiences, and tough ones for that matter. It's not to be judgmental and accusatory. You asked a simple question-what would you have said, as in "help me out here," and I find it very disrespectful that people are making judgments when we know all of them have made their own mistakes as parents too. And because you are willing to put the issues out there and open up discussions, it will be YOUR kids who will be the ones that become open and accepting of others. Keep up the great things you are doing!
ErinL (not verified) says ....
I would have handled it the same way Lisa. Just a quick off-the-cuff exchange. I think it is so brutal the way people have read too much into this and have totally over-reacted. (doesn't that usually happen with your posts!?!) I don't think most of these commentors are giving Addy (or you) enough credit assuming this quick exchange is going to forever alter her views on marriage. Keep doing what feels right to you and Peter. These are YOUR girls!!
Lisa van de Geyn says ....
So we're all clear: My intent in this post wasn't to offend anyone, nor was it to teach my kid to be some kind of hurtful bigot. My apologies for those who felt offended and/or personally hurt. I was hoping to hear about how other parents would've responded to their tots in similar situations -- not to get into some kind of word war over same-sex marriages.
Like I've said in earlier comments here, parents make mistakes. Mine was obviously that I didn't take more time to think about how to respond to my three-year-old before telling her that boys can't marry boys and girls can't marry girls. As previously mentioned, I would've been better off telling her Handy Manny (and anyone else for that matter) can marry whoever the heck he wants. I'm aware and agree that marriage, relationships, etc. are based on love and not gender.
This isn't the first mistake I'll make as a mother and it certainly won't be my last. All I can do is be honest and try harder next time.
All that said, I'm hoping I don't start seeing people over the interwebs calling me ridiculous names and writing about what a terrible mother that Lisa van de Geyn is. Parenting is one big learning experience. And we're all doing our best. Perhaps we should all be reminded (myself included) to give our fellow mother a break once in a while.
That's it for me; you've heard from me enough today.
Lisa
Kate (not verified) says ....
I'm shocked you didn't tell your child the truth. We live in a free country where thankfully our marriage laws aren't bigotted anymore. My children know men can marry men and women can marry women. That truthful answer didn't even phase them. And I'm happy knowing they won't be put in an awkward position if they make a friend who has same sex parents. The truth is always better than a lie.
Sarah(casm) (not verified) says ....
I have talked to my (now 4yo) son about same-sex marriage and families since he was a baby and too young to understand English, much less marriage. That is how I normalize it for him. It is reflected in illustrations in some of his books and it comes out it conversations. One day, he exclaimed "Hey! Nick and Sally have 2 mommies!!" He has since figured out that they aren't siblings. I hope when he encounters families different from his, he doesn't think it's strange or wrong...just different from his.
Mum2BeautifulBoys says ....
When my kids have made similar comments or questions, I've been honest -- men can love men, women can love women. They are cool with that. It's not just so they will be accepting of others -- what if my kids ARE gay? If that is the case, I want them to grow up knowing they too can have love and marriage and that they are normal. Sexuality is something we are born with, it is never too early to be honest. And yes, be prepared to discuss how babies are made -- mine asked (and were told honestly, in an age-appropriate manner) at about 4.
Lisa van de Geyn says ....
Parents make mistakes and I'm pretty sure I said, several times over, that perhaps my off-the-cuff way wasn't the right way.
I'm happy to engage in respectful discussion, but suggesting I'm biased, a bigot and homophobic in any way, shape or form is not only totally untrue, it's utterly ridiculous and totally disrespectful.
Lisa
karengreeners says ....
Of course I read that much into it - it's what you wrote. You told your daughter that girls can't marry girls and boys can't marry boys, and whether or not you intended it to be, it is biased, bigoted, homophobic information. What will you do the next time she asks? If your answer continues to be the same, eventually she will remember it, and if you don't want her to believe it, don't say it. How could I have possibly read anything different at all into it?
Lisa van de Geyn says ....
Wow, Karen, I'm surprised you read that much into it. I asked Addy tonight if she remembers who I thought Handy Manny should marry and her response was this: "Handy Manny can't marry anyone...he's on TV!" So I'm pretty sure I haven't tainted my kid, or turned her into a biased bigot. I'm sure as hell not one and I'm a bit sick to my stomach that it could even be suggested that I'll have to "unteach" them biased, bigoted and hurtful notions later. Sigh.
And for the last time today, I couldn't care less about people's sexual orientation. Couldn't. Care. Less.
I'm kind of surprised myself that readers are so quick to say they would've reacted differently. I'm tempted to call B.S. on at least a few. Perhaps I wish I'd said, "Usually boys marry girls and usually girls marry boys, but not always." But I didn't.
I'm sure your sister's a lovely woman and I'm happy she's happy. If my sister was with another woman (as I've mentioned already), I would have a real-life comparison and would've answered her differently.
Lisa
karengreeners says ....
I have to admit, I cringed reading this. You could have said, yeah, maybe. To all of it. Because they don't get it yet, obviously. They think that they marry somebody they love very much, which is why toddlers always want to marry their moms/dads/sisters/brothers/teddy bears. But to tell her no, she can't marry a girl because she's a girl? Sigh.
My sister is a dyke. She has been with her partner since before my youngest was born. They could care less that their aunty is with another woman. To them, love is love. It's easy to teach kids that love is love without having to unteach them biased, bigoted, hurtful notions later. Because she will eventually encounter a same sex couple and she will remember that you told her it was wrong for those people to love each other. Maybe it'll be my sister that she meets. I'm sad now.
Lisa van de Geyn says ....
Colleen, I know the laws here, thanks. Again, not really my point.
Anonymous: You say you told your son when he was four that men can marry other men and women can marry other women. Factual indeed. I'm curious as to what his response was.
Alex, I actually don't think it's a big topic or a big deal to a three-year-old. (But we differ a lot on parenting, don't we. At least we still love each other.) ;)
Lisa
Anonymous says ....
I've had this exact question from my son (when he was 4 years old) and I answered that, in Canada, men can marry other men and women can marry other women. Can't go wrong with the facts.
Colleen (not verified) says ....
Last time I checked, two men *can* get married. So can two women. Regardless of whether or not you approve, you're misinforming your three year old.
Guest_282249 says ....
Well, Addy's adorableness aside, it's a pretty big topic, right? When my daughter was about 2 she asked me if she could marry her Daddy (and I thought for years I'd marry mine) and I said no, that people marry people outside their families. She asked if she'd get married one day and I said she might, if she met a boy or girl she fell in love with.
It's an easy conversation to have, really. I don't think it's something inappropriate to discuss. I mean, we have also always used the words "vagina", "vulva" and "penis" with her instead of knicknaming them, so we're not exactly the most delicate bunch here.
In our house, it would have been a different conversation, but hey, to each their own.
Lisa van de Geyn says ....
I guess this post is being lost on people who want to suggest that I'm against same-sex marriage, etc. Shame (and pathetic). That's NOT the issue. Once again I was simply asking how other parents would handle it. I wasn't even suggesting I was right in how I handled it in the first place.
Lisa
Uncle Roger (not verified) says ....
The difference between your three-year-old and mine is that when yours does make friends with a kid who tells her that her mommies are married, she's likely to say "but girls can't marry girls! Girls have to marry boys!" while mine will say "okay" and go back to playing. And where I live, same-sex marriage isn't even legal.
It's really only an issue if you make it an issue. Kids don't actually care until their parents/peers/community tells them too.
shayna (not verified) says ....
Lol i have nothing to say but ...ha ha!
Lisa van de Geyn says ....
Uncle Roger: I don't think I'm setting anyone up for some spectacular failure when she has friends with two mommies or two daddies. We can deal with that explanation when the time comes. I'm also not going to explain marrying "illegal aliens" at this point. Not age appropriate. ;)
Lisa
Uncle Roger (not verified) says ....
What would have been so very very wrong with "Maybe they should"? She could have even added "do you think they love each other?" and gone on to explain that people get married when they love each other.
Instead, you've started her off thinking that gender is what's important in marriage, as well as setting her up for some spectacular failure when she has a friend with two mommies/daddies. (Unless you live in somewhere like Alabama, in which case, carry on. But you might want to mention that Manny should only marry another illegal alien as well -- don't want her growing up thinking she can marry the help or something.)
Lisa van de Geyn says ....
Minvo: Well you got me there. I did mention Kelly and Manny marrying. [Slaps hand.] And if there was a cartoon on Disney Junior about two males or two females being together romantically (even the way kids know Mickey and Minnie are "together"), I probably would've responded differently. Lisa
Liz (not verified) says ....
Hands down, I would have answered the question exactly as you did. She's three and she's your daughter. It's completely your call.
Anonymous says ....
Lisa, I would have answered the question exactly the same way you did. Period.
Minvo (not verified) says ....
We tell our kids (3 and 5) that marriage is for two grownups who love each other so much they want to be a family together, that some boys fall in love with girls and some fall in love with boys (same for girls), and that when they're old enough to fall in love, they'll know which they prefer.
I think it's a bit dishonest to say your conversation came out of left field when you're the one who first suggested that two of the cartoon characters should get married, and I think you did your child a disservice by lying. Why not just say, "Maybe they should!" in response to her suggestion? Totally age-appropriate and truthful at the same time.
Finally, topics such as sex and marriage can most definitely be addressed in an age-appropriate manner, even at the age of three. With such an inquisitive child on your hands, it sounds to me like you best start preparing for such conversations!
Lisa van de Geyn says ....
@Zozosmamma: >>How hard is that?
Not hard at all. Good choice.
Lisa
Zozosmamma (not verified) says ....
I have always told my kids that girls can marry boys or girls, and boys can marry boys or girls, and the most important thing is to marry someone they love. If I had that conversations with my 3 year old, I would say "Sure Handy manny can marry Mr Lopart, if they are in love". How hard is that?
My almost 9 year old's first wedding was The Michaels' (google it). She went to the reception in a sling!
Lisa van de Geyn says ....
@Cambridge Dad: It's not an issue, just a question. :) I wondered how other parents would handle it. Like Jennifer and matt_n_becks (below), we don't have anyone in our life who we could point to and say, "Auntie So-and-so and Auntie Blah-blah love each other the way Mommy and Daddy love each other." Like I said, I probably would've responded differently if I'd had real-life examples to point to.
And thanks for your response too, Martha.
Lisa
Lisa van de Geyn says ....
Anonymous is T.O.: Yup, I do live in Canada, and men can marry men and women can marry women. Absolutely factual. And like I said, cool with me -- whatever floats your boat, whatever makes you happy. I knew I was going to take heat for my decision, but that's just what it was -- my decision. I guess telling my three-year-old that she can marry whoever makes her happy (but not her sister) would've been a good way to handle it. Anyway, I actually wrote the post wondering how other parents would handle the situation. You criticized my decision but didn't tell me what you would do. I guess you would've gone the fully factual route.
Thanks for your thoughts,
Lisa
(P.S. We -- as in parents -- lie to our kids all the time. You can read about that in the March 2012 issue of Today's Parent.)
Cambridge Dad (not verified) says ....
I'm not sure why this is an issue. My kids are 7 and 4, we also live in Canada, and they've both known for quite awhile that boys can marry girls, boys can marry boys, girls can marry boys, girls can marry girls. It's such a non-issue - and avoiding the issue just turns it into one. Had I told them otherwise, they quickly would have realized by the time they each hit school age that I wasn't been truthful with them.
Anonymous in T.O. (not verified) says ....
You live in Canada. As a basic, factual answer, you were wrong. Boys can (and do) marry boys, and girls can (and do) marry girls. Regardless of what you think is "appropriate" (and I'm not even going to touch that one with a 10-foot pole), you have just told your daughter an out-and-out lie.
martha says ....
ps: that is exactly how my husband (their father) and I have handled these questions from our sons from their first questions on this matter, around 4 years of age.
martha says ....
I would have told her the truth: That if two people love each other and want to have a family together (even if that's only a 'married couple' family) that of course boys can marry boys and girls can marry girls. Getting married is something that people who love each other and want to support each other and care for each other do.
But you can't marry your sister or brother, because you are already in a family together...so that's not allowed.
Why not? It is the truth (in Canada).
matt_n_becks says ....
My 4YO daughter's BFF has two Mom's. I remember clearly the first time we were leaving dance class (she was about 3yo at the time) and she asked me where L's Daddy was:
Me: L doesn't have a Daddy, she has two Mommies
DD: Why?
Me: Because L's Mommies love each other like Mommy & Daddy love each other
I had to repeat myself a couple times (she was 3 -- so lot's of "why's" at that age as we all know!) but she seemed satisfied with that explanation.
It's come up a few other times since but mostly it's her repeating and clarifying to make sure she has the concept down.
When she asks about marrying her brother I explain that brother's & sisters can't marry each other, and when she asks about marrying friends (boy or girl) I smile & tell she can marry whomever she wants but that she's too young to be making those decisions and she will likely love a lot of people before she finds the one she wants to spend her life with - -like when she's 30!! :)
Anonymous says ....
I think considering her age and the fact that you were using Handy Mandy you did everything just fine.
Lisa van de Geyn says ....
See, that's interesting, Jennifer. Any idea how you'll handle it? I'd guess it might be easier having real-life examples, as opposed to Handy Manny and Mr. Lopart. Also, like I said, she doesn't really "get" it yet. I'm wondering how I would've handled it if she was even a couple years older and understood a bit more.
Lisa
Jennifer Pinarski says ....
So far we haven't had to tackle this one. My sister is searching for Ms. Right, and I know when she meets her, we will have to explain to our children why they will have two Aunties.