How did you handle the transition that comes with having a second child?
Kristin writes about the bonding time she is spending with her son before the new baby arrives
Kristin and Nolan share a moment
“Tomorrow, we’ll have a day of fun,” I tell my son. His small hand is wrapped around mine and his shiny hair circles in thick locks around his face. He radiates warmth, innocence and joy.
“Will you come on the toboggan with me?”
I picture my Papa Smurf body huddled haphazardly behind him on a small piece of plastic, clinging on and gritting my teeth; the prospect of skidding into snow drifts a very real possibility.
“I think probably,” I say. “You’ll have to test out the slopes first to make sure I won’t hurt the baby if I do fall.”
“I’ll make sure you don’t fall, Mom,” he says, looking straight up at me with those deep, strangely wise blue eyes that have evoked a indefatigable, fierce love inside my soul from the very first moment I ever saw them.
“I love you 10 million times the sky," I tell him suddenly, in a rush, like I tell him every night I tuck him in. “You will always be my first boy, and the joy of my life.”
“I love you, googolplex,” he says and reaches his arms around my neck. He is quick to embrace; not yet embarrassed by his affection for his Mom.
He perpetually wants to please; he possesses a relentless desire to do his best, to try again when he is failing at something he wants to master. He is affable and genuinely delightful to be around. I can’t imagine loving another baby as much as I love my son and it must be hormones, and maybe something else, because even the thought makes me want to cry.
I imagine that every Mom believes their bond with their firstborn is sacred, special and incomparable. Nolan and I spent most of the first three years of his life in a cocoon of the two of us: rainy forest walks, impromptu sand-infused beach runs, digging for scuttling crabs on winter mornings.
For so long, it was just us two, and I imagined it would always be that way. In the aftermath of a painful separation, I couldn’t imagine ever sharing my love again with anyone but my golden-souled son. He was more than enough, with his moss-scented hugs and his lilting laughter, with his unspoken and fully tangible promise that he would love me when I failed, when I broke, when I made mistakes and when I didn’t deserve it.
Almost every night he crept into my bed and curled up beside me without waking me up, and each morning I woke to his forehead under my nose, filled with gratitude for my little boy who accepted me fully, while I continued to feel like I was failing at life.
I remember feeling some guilt when I met Corey when Nolan was just three, worried my little boy would feel shortchanged by my newly shared love. My worry went unfounded, though. With typical generosity, Nolan reached out and embraced Corey and welcomed him into our circle of two with unfettered warmth. I am sure it will be the same way with his new baby brother.
Won’t it?
Nolan has asked me tentatively on a few occasions whether I would love him as much as I love the baby and of course I’ve told him a million times yes: I will grow another heart when the baby comes and the one I have now is totally for him, that love doesn’t have limits, etc.
But although he’s excited to meet his baby brother, I can see via his furrowed brow that he’s still a bit worried and it breaks my heart. I feel like I am mourning a very special stage of our lives that will irrevocably change. We will make sure that Nolan receives a gift when his brother comes into the world, that he receives extra kisses and love.
We’re doing days of fun right now and I am holding him extra tight, in my arms and dreams. But I still feel teary whenever I think about this huge life transition for him and for us, and wonder how other women – especially other previously single mothers and moms to children who were beyond toddler years when their siblings made an entrance to this world – handled it.
How did you do it?
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Keri (not verified) says ....
Rebecca said it: you will love Nolan even MORE once you see him slip into his big brother role. I am ALWAYS teary-eyed when I see my older boys hover over their baby brother. There is NO shortage of love and entertainment for the youngest sibling and it's SO much fun to watch their sibling relationship grow by leaps and bounds every single day. My youngest recognized his brothers as early as 2 weeks of age-he is in LOVE with his brothers as much as they are in love with him. And they are the only ones who can REALLY make their baby brother laugh. Your heart will melt a million times over! =D
rebecca (not verified) says ....
Kristin - congrats on baby #2! What an exciting time in your life... and in Nolan's too :) I am on mat leave with my 2nd girl, who just turned 6 months. Up until her birth last August, I felt the same way... and I promise you, by God's grace, it just *works*. My first embraced our second little girl and made me love her even more (which was impossible!). She's only been an angel towards the baby. What's hard, I found, is that suddenly my 2.5 year old at the time, seemed much, much older. I have to remind myself that she is still just a little one too, and not depend on her too much, even though she would welcome the opportunity to be the mommy to our baby. Do you have some outside support when baby comes? It helps if Nolan can have extra special time with other friends or family - a visit to the market, a special walk where he can get an ice-cream, etc. This allows you time to bond with your new babe, and Nolan is on cloud 9 when he can tell you all about his adventures. All the best!
kristinauger says ....
Oh my god, Sarahtk you just opened up my floodgates again - what amazing advice, thank you. Your words are gems and I am holding them close. And crying again.
Kaitlin, I love the part about your second baby making you love the first one even more. Our hearts are so incredible.
Jennifer, thank you. I'm working right up until my due date but I am definitely spending more of my spare time doing cool things that Nolan loves. I know it will all be OK.
Laurie, I don't even know what to say to you about your awesomeness, but it continues to touch my heart. I didn't know you had a sister who is ten years younger. If she is anything like you, I'd love to meet her one day.
Jennifer Pinarski says ....
I started my mat leave early before our daughter was born to spend time with our son. He was my world and like you, I couldn't imagine loving another child as much. My favourite times with him before she was born was reading and napping - it was perfect.
And the crazy thing is that your heart grows to love that second baby - no less, no more - but different.
Now that she's nearly 2, we have regular date nights and it also is perfect.
lauriewrites says ....
I've always loved reading your stories about your time together.
I was ten when my only sister was born. My mom and I were tight like you and Nolan. She loves us differently, and so so much. I never felt like she loved ME differently than she did before, though, and certainly not any less. I think this worry is completely normal, because wow, the introduction of a new human being into a family is such a huge thing. But I think also that our hearts expand in relation to what we do with them and who comes along to share a part of them. You will now have two little guys with whom you have an amazing, different kind of connection. That is pretty awesome. :)