A tubal ligation or endless possibilities?
Even though she's almost positive her family is complete, Kristin prefers remaining open to the unknown over finality when it comes to having more children
Photo by See this World through Lenses via Flickr
I know it’s meant as a compliment, but every time someone asks me when I’m due (right about now) and then proceeds to proclaim with shrill disbelief, "But you're so tiny still!", my heart sinks.
It happens more often than I’d like.
Although the 22 pounds I’ve gained during this pregnancy fall on the low end of the norm, I’ve been measuring small at my OB appointments for several weeks now. I’m full term; in my 40th week of pregnancy (and last week) I was still measuring around 34 weeks. I lost seven pounds during my pneumonia bout over the holidays and I’ve been unable to gain it back.
Today at my last appointment with my obstetrician prior to my C-section surgery, I settle myself on the paper-clad metal table and pull up my shirt as my kind-eyed doctor squirts clear, thick liquid on my belly.
“I’ve been eating all kinds of healthy carbs,” I tell him as he listens to the baby’s horse-gallop heartbeat. "And the nurse says I’ve gained half a pound.”
He smiles, indulging me, and takes out the measuring tape. He scribbles something mysterious in the file behind him.
“Has the baby grown at all?”
He shakes his head no.
“But you’re not worried?”
“You’ve actually lost half a centimeter but he likely dropped a little more …you’ve gained a healthy amount of weight and you’re otherwise very healthy. I’m not worried.”
He calmly washes his hands and I think about newborns and sleeplessness and the tempo of years and changing of relationship dynamics.
I am days away from my scheduled C-section and I am so ready to meet this baby. I am so ready to not be pregnant. My stomach’s emotions exist only in high flips and low flops, I’m constantly buzzing with slightly terrified anticipation.
I think about asking my OB about paediatrician recommendations and he turns around and looks at me with one eyebrow raised.
“Have we already talked about tubal ligation, can you remind me?”
“About what?” I heave myself up, tissue paper stuck to my pants.
“Tubal ligation. While you’re having the C-section.”
I look at him mutely and he spells it out for my distracted, whirling brain.
“Your tubes tied. Permanent birth control.”
“Oh!” I just stare at him, wide eyed.
“No, we haven’t talked about it I guess,” he says.
“No,” I reply. ”I don’t think we have.” I suddenly wonder why I haven’t even considered asking him about contraception options. I am in my mid-30s and it already freaks me out that I’m considered to be of “advanced maternal age.” Corey and I have discussed the insanity of being outnumbered by our children and have both referenced this pregnancy as my last one. I have been on the pill for a very long time and they are probably not great for me, they’re definitely expensive, and since I’m prone to fits of absent-mindedness, they’re also potentially somewhat conducive to a subsequent pregnancy.
“I’m old,” I tell the doctor. "And I’m pretty sure we’re done. But I …don’t know.”
The thought of having my tubes tied sends an inexplicable surge of sadness through me. "If you don’t know,” he says,”then we won’t do it. You need to be 100% sure.”
“Well — I think we’re pretty sure this is it,” I say and think for a second. "Isn’t it much less complicated for Corey to get snipped than for me to have my tubes tied?”
“Normally, yes,” he replied. "But since we’re already doing the C-section, it’s not very complicated to perform a tubal litigation at the same time.”
“Oh," I say and then, “I really don’t know. Let me talk to Corey.”
He nods and picks up my file. “We’ll see you Thursday.”
I call Corey on my way home.
“I’m still measuring small,” I say, "but the doctor is still not worried. My blood pressure was a little low. Also, should I get my tubes tied on Thursday?”
He’s quiet, so I start talking quickly.
“I mean we’ve said no more, right? But I could always just go back on the pill, it’s worked for a lot of years.”
He doesn’t say anything, which is pretty typical.
“I don’t mind taking the pill, though,” I say. “But, on the other hand, while they’re in there cutting the baby out anyway, it’s just as easy to tie off a few tubes.”
“But if you don’t do it, we still have options,” he says. ”It’s nice to have options.”
“It is,” I say, and relief floods through me because even though I don’t want to be 40 years old and pregnant and we don’t want to be outnumbered and childcare is expensive and we both want to maintain careers and lives outside of parenthood — the prospect of willfully ending the magic of the possibility of creating another human life is really kind of devastating.
I toss my cell phone into my purse and pull out of the parking lot and stare through my tears at the hill, down to the sun-jeweled ocean and the Vancouver skyline across the water. I think about my worries about small measurements and healthy babies and morphing relationships and shifting priorities.
I think about this baby, and about the fact that just five years ago, I wouldn’t have believed in the possibility of his existence, couldn’t have fathomed that I might find the love that created him. I drive home and I consider the power of possibilities, hope and choices.
I’ll be having this baby tomorrow, and he will probably be perfect and he will almost certainly be my last. But I don’t know that for absolute certain, and for the gift of the unknown — for the perpetual openness of amazing possibilites — I’ll always be grateful.
Photo by See this World through Lenses via Flickr
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What do you think?
KWrn (not verified) says ....
I was asked about tubal ligation in triage 4 hours before my second emergency c-section. I was in my mid thirty and I hadn't even thought about birth control after the baby. I regret not having it done because the thought of getting pregnant now that I'm in my 40s is a very frightening thought. My partner refuses to get a vasectomy which a whole other issue. I wish I had been given the time to think it through.
ktcole79 says ....
I gave birth to my third and last child at the age of 31 in October. I requested the tubal ligation during my pregnancy because it was going to be my third c-section, and I was afraid of possible complications if I were to get pregnant again. Chasing after two little boys everyday while I was pregnant with my daughter also helped in the decision. Sometimes my husband and I joke about having another baby, but we do feel we made the best decision for our family and my health. I do also agree with lisadurbin...it is a very bittersweet decision to make
lisadurbin says ....
Being 40 and pregnant isn't that terrible, nor are you "old". I had my first at 36 and my last just after I turned 40. You have children when you're ready: emotionally and financially. We also thought that being outnumbered would be a nightmare, but here we are - and it's been absolutely fine. We are most definitely done (husband had the snip), but it is odd to think I'll never be pregnant again. It's a very bittersweet decision to make, I think.
Anonymous (not verified) says ....
I'm 99.9% sure that I don't want to have more children after this, my third, is born. I have really awful pregnancies, and even if I wanted more children, probably wouldn't because I can't deal with another pregnancy again. I like the idea of not having to worry each month whether I may be pregnant again, but I don't like the thought of never again having the possibility. I'm worried that having a TL may send me into a depression after this baby is born. I'm torn about what to do. I want to do it, but at the same time don't.
Anonymous says ....
I am having trouble with this decision as well. I didn't think I wanted more children (I have a 3.5 yr old and a 1 yr old), until I thought I was pregnant. When I got my period late I was surprised at how dissapointed I was that I was not in fact pregnant..maybe I do want more...Which makes me ask--when you are done do just know? I girlfriend of mine said that she was happy with her children and then had a "surprise" pregnancy several years later-she said when she was born she felt in her heart that her family was complete...I am just not sure......I am really looking forward to seeing the comments..
mom of 5 says ....
I had my fifth baby at age 34 and because it was my fifth c-section, I agreed to a tubal ligation. I would have loved to have had one more baby didn't want to put my life or my babies life at risk if I had another child. I just want women to know that it has had a lasting emotional effect and most days I regret having the ligation because it has left me feeling empty; as I will never have another baby. I know that we all will have to face this fact at some point but I think that I should have thought about it more before going ahead with the procedure. It is not a decision to take lightly, so think carefully and take your time if you are contemplating a TL.
Guest_364152 says ....
My OB also asked me if I wanted any more children, and suggested a tubal ligation. We had always planned on my husband getting snipped after our second child. My second pregnancy ended up being twins, but I had never considered a tubal for myself. We made the decision on the way to the hospital, at 4am, and I don't regret it a bit. After a decade on the pill, it's a relief to not be constantly wondering if I remembered my pill last night. I was 31 when my daughters were born, and 3 children is definately enough for us! Having freedom from worrying about birth control is wonderful!
Jennifer Pinarski says ....
This is such a sweet and true post. I'm going to be of advanced maternal age shortly and am 99% sure that I'm done (love my kids, labour and pregnancy were OK) but can't wrap my head around raising any more kids.
Thank you for sharing.
Daphnelove (not verified) says ....
I'm 40 and pregnant but I feel like 32. I am so happy to be pregnant again and I use to say I don't want to be pregnant at 40 but if you don't feel the age in your heart, you're young. I'm glad I was able to have more babies.
tuffbutterfly says ....
This article has come along at a perfect time for me. I am one month away from having my tubes tied (as well as having a belly button hernia fixed thanks to my 10.4 and 11.7 lb babies who are now 7 and 11). I'm 35, a newly single mom. So, getting my tubes tied seems like a smart decision. I've decided to get my tubes tied because I have played the 'numbers game' in my head (meeting some new in X years, having another child in X years). However, I have feelings of doubt still about my decision. The doubt comes from the thought of never knowing what it's like to have another baby kicking at my stomach, or getting to see any of the 'firsts' all over again. What should I do?
Anonymous says ....
I'm just going to chime in my two cents, even though you didn't ask. I'm 40. I got pregnant with my first baby at 39 and gave birth at 40 and I'm already excited to do it again. Don't let the numbers fool you. I've never felt more alive!!!!!