BEHAVIOUR AND DEVELOPMENT

What power do parents have these days? People say we shouldn’t spank (and I agree), but sometimes I read that parents should avoid any kind of punishment, even time out. If I can’t do any of these things, what do I do when my child refuses to do as he’s told?

When it comes to getting children to comply, what has gone on in the past is more important than what you do or say in any given moment. “Discipline is not about punishment and perfect obedience, it’s about teaching. That takes time,” says parent educator and Today’s Parent columnist Kathy Lynn.

Still, no matter how well we’ve laid the groundwork, there will come a moment when what we need (and want) is compliance from an unwilling child. What then? Tony Wolf, a Connecticut-based psychologist and author of The Secret of Parenting, suggests a simple technique:

“Tell your child what you want done: ‘Stop throwing that ball in the house,’ for example, and stay there until he does it.” If he doesn’t do it, don’t yell, don’t threaten, simply repeat the request and then wait. ”Parents never believe this,” Wolf says. “But usually, in a surprisingly short time, the child complies, not always gracefully, but he does comply.”

The key is not to respond to anything he throws out at you. Otherwise, you risk getting caught up in back-and-forth arguments and losing your one piece of leverage, which is, whether he likes it or not, you are in his head as his conscience. “Your disapproving presence takes away his enjoyment of throwing the ball,” says Wolf.

Lynn says with children over eight who have adopted the hands on hips “you can’t make me stance,” a less in-your-face approach is sometimes called for. “Simply state your expectations,” says Lynn. “Give them a time frame in which to do it, and leave. ‘I have something to do downstairs. When I come back in five minutes, I expect these cards to be put away.’” This allows them to save face a little bit. They can pick up the cards and not feel like they’ve lost, as they would if you were standing over them.

I can’t stand it when my six-year-old son and seven-year-old daughter fight. Most of it is fairly minor bickering, and I know people say, let them work it out, but sometimes their petty unpleasantness (they seldom come to blows) pervades the whole house and it really upsets me. What do you suggest?

Neither Wolf nor Lynn thinks parents should have to endure endless sibling bickering so that kids learn to “work it out” on their own. “The general rule is that as soon as it starts to irritate you, separate them,” says Wolf. “If it really irritates you, you’ll probably be doing it a lot.”

“If your children are old enough - all combatants over the age of six and relatively close in age - have them take their deliberations elsewhere or absent yourself,” Lynn says, noting that she spent a fair amount of time in the bathroom when her son and daughter were fighting. Obviously, if there is a threat (or reality) of harm you have to intervene.

What if you’re in the car? “Pull over and say, ‘I can’t drive when you’re arguing. I’ll start driving again when you stop,’” says Lynn. “I used to always carry a book in my purse. When my kids would fight I’d just pull over, take out my book and start reading. They knew what that meant.”

Much of my interaction with my four-year-old daughter consists of arguing. Some days, everything - getting ready for daycare in the morning is a good example - is a major fight and I feel this is affecting our relationship. We don’t seem to like each other very much these days. What should I do?

Wolf says that although parents often feel this kind of pattern is due to a poor relationship, that’s not necessarily the case. “Even when you are fighting with your child a lot, she knows deep inside that it’s partly because you care about her.”

“The reason you’re feeling bad about each other is that you are arguing so much,” says Lynn, who believes this problem often stems from negotiating too much. “If you stop explaining and negotiating all the time, you’ll stop arguing.”

Lynn says there’s nothing wrong with, for example, tucking a child under one arm and her clothes under the other and heading out the door. That shows her you mean business. “If she still won’t co-operate, she can arrive at daycare in pyjamas and get dressed there. There isn’t an experienced daycare worker alive who hasn’t seen kids arrive in that state.”

At times our two-year-old daughter acts needy and wants to be picked up, often when I’m busy. My inclination is to pick her up because she’s only two, but my husband says she has to learn to be more self-sufficient and that I’m teaching her to be clingy. How do we work this out?

First, two-year-olds need to be picked up a fair bit. There’s nothing wrong with doing so, unless you find you are picking her up when you don’t want to. “It’s not really about teaching a child to be self-sufficient,” says Wolf. “But it can be about control: ‘I want to control Mommy and my way of doing it is to make her pick me up.’”

If you feel that control might be an issue, Lynn suggests a compromise: “Pick the child up briefly and then go and play with her - ‘Let’s do this puzzle.’ That way she’s getting attention, which is what she needs. But you’re showing her that being held isn’t the only way to get it.”

Lynn adds that it’s OK if mom and dad handle this differently from one another. The rule is, though, whoever starts to deal with something should finish it: “If dad doesn’t want to pick her up, mom shouldn’t come in and tell him he should.”

My six-year-old daughter is well behaved at home, but I keep getting calls from teachers or other parents saying that she has been mean to other kids. How do I handle behaviour problems that take place when my child is not with me?

Wolf says, in general, you shouldn’t discipline children for things that happen when you’re not with them. “If you start imposing consequences, the danger is that you get into the ‘it’s not fair’ argument because they can always deny it or make it sound like it wasn’t their fault,” he says. “What you want to do is communicate very strongly that what you’re hearing about what they’re doing is not OK. Since they are attached to you and want your approval, that will have some effect.”

If it’s an ongoing problem, however, you have a parental responsibility to take action. If your child can’t get her act together in a particular situation, then you have to keep her out of that situation. If the problem occurs at school, then you need to talk to the teacher or the principal about what is going on, particularly when the problem is bullying. “If it’s bullying, adults have to get involved,” Lynn says. “Bullies have an incredible amount of power and kids can’t deal with that on their own.”

My 22-month-old son is very active, more so than other children I know. He’s into things constantly, climbing up shelves, poking in drawers, heading off without me in the shopping centre. I know he’s not really being “bad,” but I can’t let him do these things. How do I handle this?

Three things: childproofing, supervision and exercise. “You can’t rely on words with a child like this because when the words don’t work, you get angry at him, which isn’t fair,” says Wolf. That means you will have to watch your son closely and physically stop him - preferably without anger - from doing unsafe things. You can reduce the amount you do this by toddler-proofing extremely well. Get rid of everything breakable and do what you can to reduce the number of things he can climb on.

“Make sure he gets lots of exercise,” adds Lynn. “Many of these kids aren’t getting nearly enough large-muscle play, so put him in as many safe places as possible, where he can be as active as he needs to be.”

Sometimes my 11-year-old daughter gets very upset when I discipline her, and starts hurling verbal abuse at me. Often we end up spending more time talking about how she’s treated me than the original issue, but I’m afraid that if I let her talk to me like that, she’ll be a real horror when she’s 16. Help!

The first thing is to pay more attention to what she’s doing than what she’s saying, says Lynn. “If she’s doing what you want and stomping down the hall muttering under her breath, ignore it.” However, if the abuse is coming right at you, refuse to deal with her.

“Separate quickly,” says Wolf. “If she won’t go to her room, you leave instead.” But don’t get into an argument about what she just said. Later, when things have cooled down, that’s the time to go in and quickly say, “I will not be spoken to like that.” But again, no discussion.

It’s the little things I can’t change that drive me crazy. My boys leave their dirty clothes all over the house. When I see clothes lying around I make my kids put them in the hamper. But still they do it, every single day. It’s really bugging me. How can I change this?

One thing you can try is bringing the problem to the kids. Sit them down, tell them what is driving you crazy and ask for ideas on how to solve the problem. That might work, but don’t be surprised if it doesn’t, Wolf says. “I think it’s very tough to get kids to do this stuff, but the basic rule is that if you want them to do something, you have to persist and you have to stay there.”

That may require gathering your children for a once-a-day, before-bedtime sweep through the house, where, under your supervision, they pick up all the clothes and take them to the right place. You might think they would learn from this ongoing experience, but don’t get your hopes up that they will finally get it. “The problem here is that we want them to care, and they don’t care,” says Lynn. “The house looks fine to them.” In the end, you have to decide how important it is to you because this sort of thing can take up a lot of your time as a family. If, in your mind, it’s important enough to be worth the trouble, then by all means follow through and make them pick up their clothes.

My two-year-old son sometimes lashes out aggressively at other children by biting, hitting or pinching. It’s getting to the point where I’m reluctant to have him around other children. How can I stop this aggression?

You stop it by stopping it. This kind of behaviour is pretty common in two-year-olds and the answer is supervision. “If there’s a situation where you can’t trust a child, you’re going to have to either keep him out of the situation or supervise very, very closely,” says Wolf. “It’s tough because at playgroup you can’t just sit and relax.”

If he’s hitting or biting other children, remove him. You can explain why you’re taking him out of the room, but it probably won’t do much good, says Wolf. The important thing is that you take him out.

And stay with him, says Lynn. Don’t abandon him. He can’t really control his behaviour. He’s only two. It’s also important to watch what is going on between the children. “Two-year-olds often do this out of frustration,” she says. “Sometimes they need less stimulation, a situation where there are fewer children.” But the bottom line is that some toddlers just need a lot of very close supervision.

People say that discipline is really about teaching and that it’s a long-term process. OK, but sometimes what I really need is something to get me through the next five minutes. My long-term approach isn’t much help. What do I do then?

Part of the answer is setting things up in advance, says Lynn. “If you’ve established rules and your kids know the consequences, then you just react - ‘By throwing the ball in the house, you’ve chosen to play outside.’ That can mean less arguing and explaining. But, the other part of the answer is that there isn’t always an answer. Discipline is an imperfect science.”

In other words, do the best you can to use positive discipline techniques. Sometimes, however, you just have to do whatever gets you through: Use the big voice or even lay on the bribe, the big threat or some other measure the experts would rather you didn’t resort to most of the time. It’s best not to build discipline on those techniques, but we’re not always the best we can be. Says Wolf: “There isn’t an answer to everything and we just have to accept that.”

June 2002