BEHAVIOUR AND DEVELOPMENT

Brian Bell was showering with his son, Colin, at the downtown Toronto YMCA, when the irrepressible four-year-old glanced over at a man showering nearby, then did a double take. Finally he raised one blunt finger, pointed at the hapless stranger and shrilled, "Daddy, why is that man's penis so red?"

It was an innocent question, and later, Bell was able to see the humour in it. At the time, he says, "I physically moved Colin's finger down. Then I turned him around to face me and, speaking in a quiet voice so he would understand that this was a conversation between him and me, I just explained that sometimes when men are in a hot shower for a long time, they get red penises." Bell, who puts strong currency in manners, also used the incident to lay out some basic rules of decorum. He calmly told Colin that people don't usually like to be pointed at. "I said he could ask me anything he wants - it was a good question - but he should just ask me."

What parent has not faced a similar situation? Children are naturally curious and equally uninhibited, so embarrassing questions or comments are bound to pop up. According to Lori Benjamin, program director of World Class Etiquette, a Calgary organization that holds courses in manners for both children and adults, Bell handled the incident nicely. "You can't get angry with a child because he honestly doesn't know that he's doing anything wrong," she says. "You just try to make sure that he understands the rules so he doesn't make the same 'mistake' next time."

Manners, whether the table or the social variety, need to be taught, says Benjamin. And that's a task that today's parents sometimes balk at. Most of us are products of the let-it-all-hang-out 1960s, and we have a tendency to reject rigid codes of behaviour, she points out. But Benjamin prefers to define manners as "a philosophy of respect," and the finer points of etiquette as the way to express that respect. What's more, she says, children who aren't equipped with social graces are likely to have a more difficult time with friends, family and teachers. "When you teach your children manners, you're giving them some lifelong survival skills."

The key from the beginning, according to Marianne Drew-Pennington, executive director of West Side Family Place, a Vancouver parent-resource centre, is to treat your children with the same respect you expect from them. "Children learn primarily by example," she says. "You can't be rude to them and then expect them to be polite to other people."

When teaching manners, Seattle-based parent educator Elizabeth Crary says it's also important to keep your expectations in line with your child's development. Some toddlers may learn to say "milk please" as easily as saying "milk," but others can barely articulate what they want, so it's not reasonable to expect them to be polite as well. Similarly, it might be plain unrealistic to expect a three-year-old to learn not to interrupt while you're on the phone. Instead, suggests Crary, "make it possible for him to act appropriately by keeping aside a special activity or toy which he only gets when you're on the telephone."

Something else that plays a role in how quickly your child picks up rudimentary etiquette is temperament. Generally, says Crary, quiet and reserved children appear more mannerly, while rambunctious, intense children seem less so. On the other hand, the reserved child may be so shy that greeting strangers by saying hello and looking them in the eye is torture. It's going to take a lot of encouragement, and probably a little extra time, for the shy child to learn that skill and for the boisterous child to resist blurting out whatever comes into his head. Says Crary, "You can make it worse as a parent, or you can make it better, but you can't change their internal wiring."

As children mature emotionally, they should begin to clue in to other people's feelings, so they'll become more inclined to show courtesy and less inclined to spout embarrassing questions and ill-mannered comments. If not, says Drew-Pennington, "there's nothing wrong with being honest." Let them know that they can hurt other people's feelings with their words, and if they're rude to a playmate or his parents, they may not be invited back. Encourage them to greet their friends politely, to say "thank you for coming" when their guests depart, and "thanks for having me over" when they leave a playmate's house.

"Excuse me" is another key phrase and children should have a good idea of when and where to use it. Benjamin recalls the time a little girl enrolled in her course gave her classmate a shove and said, "Move!" After the incident, Benjamin asked, "Could you have said that more politely?" The child thought for a moment and then said, "Move please?" Hmmm. Benjamin thought for a moment. "That's a little bit better, but how about saying 'excuse me?' " Whereupon the child replied, "Why would I say that? I didn't burp." "She honestly didn't know," says Benjamin. "They can't know if you don't teach them."

Around early school-age, many kids will be ready to grasp the difference between tact and lying, says Crary. When, for example, a child receives a gift she doesn't like, you don't want her to say "yuck!" but neither should you encourage her to say "oh thank you, I love it" when she really doesn't. Instead, give her some tools that allow her to be honest without being rude. Saying "Thank you for thinking of me" or simply "thank you" allows her to be gracious and sincere.

While it may be unreasonable to expect elegant dinner manners from young children, by this stage you should also be able to count on some degree of civility. But, says Benjamin, "it still helps to coach them. Be sure to discuss situations beforehand and make your expectations known." When Bell and his wife, Carla, meet his father for dinner with their children, Rebecca, six, Colin, and Katie, nine months, they hope the older two, at least, will be on their best behaviour.

But instead of just saying "behave nicely," the couple tries to be as specific as possible about what they're looking for. If Colin acts up in some way, they'll address that directly ("please keep your food on the plate"), but with Rebecca, says Bell, "it's enough to say, 'Rebecca, you know how to behave.' She knows what she's doing wrong."

While manners are important, if you're constantly harping on your children, you may turn them off the whole process. "I think if you can just work on one thing at a time, then the idea of using manners is at least planted," observes Drew-Pennington.

Lecturing, she says, is counter-productive because children can only take in so much. Bell agrees: "When even I get tired of listening to myself, I try to inject a little humour into the situation." If Colin is diving under the table during dinner, for example, Bell will ask, "What exactly are you looking for down there? Are you looking for dogs? Are you looking for squirrels? You're obviously not looking for your dinner, because your dinner's up here." Bell's playful approach often brings a giggle and some co-operation.

As well, advises Drew-Pennington, take every opportunity to praise polite behaviour. Comments like "It sounds so nice when you remember to say 'please' and 'thank you,' " or "I think it made Aunt Mary feel good when you told her you liked her present" let your child know that his efforts make a real difference.

Past about seven or eight, you just may find some of your guidance paying off. Around this age, children often delight their parents with their growing sense of empathy, their willingness to introduce themselves and others, and their improving table manners. It helps, says Toronto mother Gail Hill, if you sit down together for dinner, giving kids the opportunity to hone their skills at home. Hill recently witnessed her older daughter, Levon, 13, giving a manners primer to one of eight-year-old Ruby's friends. After watching the child pick up his spaghetti with his fingers, inadvertently scatter it the length of the table and chew loudly, Levon finally spoke up. "Sam," she said, with as much diplomacy as she could muster, "could we teach you some table manners?"

"Sure," replied Sam, whereupon Levon launched into a detailed set of instructions: "Number one," she said, "we chew with our mouths closed. Number two...." Sam wasn't at all put out, and Hill was amused and a wee bit gratified. "A few years ago, I would never have believed there would be a day when my daughter would be instructing someone else about manners!"

April 1998