BEHAVIOUR AND DEVELOPMENT

Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, author of Raising Your Spirited Child, describes a demonstration she uses to show children and their parents what it means to be an intense person. "I set a wine glass out on a tray, and then ask a child to tell me something that made her happy.

As the child describes an incident, I put a spoonful or two of vinegar in the glass. Then I ask another child to tell me something that made him angry, and I add another couple of spoonfuls of vinegar."

Then Sheedy Kurcinka adds "the intensity that some children are born with" - a teaspoon of baking soda. "The vinegar and baking soda blow up like a volcano and I ask the kids, `Do you ever feel like this inside?' They always say yes."

Sheedy Kurcinka then asks the children, "What calms you down when that volcano happens inside you?" As they offer answers - "My mom hugs me or talks to me," "I go to my room for a while," "I listen to music," "I ride my bike" - Sheedy Kurcinka drops cotton balls into the vinegar. The fizzing stops as the liquid is absorbed, and even when she adds more baking soda, it doesn't foam over the glass. The volcano has become dormant.

In trying to help parents cope with intense children, Sheedy Kurcinka focuses on those cotton balls. "You can't eliminate all the vinegar, which represents the stresses in a child's life, and you can't take away the baking soda, the physiological difference your child was born with that makes his reactions more intense than those of other children. But you can add cotton balls."

Intense children react strongly to situations - with elation and excitement about positive things, and with tears of rage and frustration when life isn't going well. It can be a roller coaster for both parent and child.

Sheedy Kurcinka says that intensity is the result of a difference in body chemistry. Intense children, she explains, have lower levels of serotonin, a naturally produced chemical that has a calming effect on the brain. Their bodies also release adrenalin more quickly, producing immediate and intense reactions to even minor crises.

It was research by psychologists Alexander Thomas and Stella Chess, conducted some 40 years ago, that first confirmed something parents had long suspected: Babies act differently from the start. After studying a large group of subjects from infancy to adulthood, Thomas and Chess identified nine different temperamental traits. One of these was intensity. Thomas and Chess defined an intense child as one who has "loud, strong, forceful reactions whether he is miserable, angry or happy." Sheedy Kurcinka adds that even small incidents can set off very big reactions.

Consider, for example, the following:

• When you tell your oldest son, Peter, he can't do something, he shrugs his shoulders and looks for something else to do. When you tell your second child, Daniel, that a particular activity is off limits, you brace yourself for the emotional torrent you know will come next.
• You're in bed sleeping when four-month-old Sierra wakes up. Without any preliminary fussing, she starts to wail. By the time you stagger to her room, she's howling. You pick her up and quickly try to get her to nurse, but it takes 15 minutes of rocking and singing to calm her down before she'll latch on.
• Three-year-old Evan has spent the last ten minutes lining up all the shoes at the front door. Then your friend arrives for a visit and slips her shoes off before she comes into the kitchen. Evan throws himself on the floor, screaming, because she didn't line her footwear up with the rest.
• Maggie, age five, refuses to eat in the restaurant you suggest -not because she doesn't like the food but because the noisy atmosphere makes her nervous.

Unfortunately, intense babies don't come with handle-with-care labels, so parents can go through stressful times trying to figure out what' s going on. Joanne Tee, a Hamilton, Ontario social worker, offers a course that teaches parents to understand their children's temperament. "These babies have a low threshold for stimulation," she says. "They will turn away from bright lights and are easily startled by loud noises. Being too cold or too warm or having a wet diaper can make them cry miserably, whereas another baby might not notice or care. Even the normal process of digesting food can make them uncomfortable enough to cry."

Many intense babies are identified as "colicky" or "high need." Feeding times, Tee says, can be especially challenging. "You might try to feed your baby because you have to go out soon, and she won't eat. She's not hungry. Then five or ten minutes later, she's starving, absolutely desperate and hysterical because she's so hungry." Further, these little ones often react to changes in the taste of their milk (because of something a nursing mom has eaten or because of a change of formula) or even mom's new deodorant. They may fuss while feeding if the TV is on in the same room or if there are too many people around.

"It's easy for parents to think there is something wrong with an intense baby," Tee says. "And it often gets worse when he's a toddler. When you add the strong emotional reactions of normal toddlerhood to an intense child, you have a really explosive package."

Natalie MacNaughton of Oakville, Ontario learned all about this from her son Willy, now seven. "Things would send him over the edge very quickly - and very loudly. At each milestone - learning to crawl, learning to walk, learning to stack up blocks - he'd have frequent spells of crying and frustrated screaming until he managed that new skill."

"Overly dramatic" was how Lesley Hennin of Sarnia, Ontario used to describe her daughter, Melissa. "She made such a big deal about everything. A hair ribbon that didn't quite match her dress or rain on a day when she didn't want to wear a coat - any small problem would lead to tears and a big dramatic scene."

Lannie Kanevsky, a professor of education at B.C.'s Simon Fraser University, reminds parents that "being intense is not something the child can choose to do or not to do. When parents recognize that this is part of the basic makeup of the child, that it's necessary for the child to be this way, they're able to validate and accept the child's intensity."

Tee agrees. "Parenting an intense child can be very challenging - your first reaction is to think you are doing something wrong, and of course some people will tell you that it's your fault; that you've overindulged or spoiled the child, and that's why he reacts so strongly." But, she says, "a parent who is able to be calm even when the child is upset or overexcited can go a long way towards helping the child settle down."

Sheedy Kurcinka has suggestions for parents looking for ways to moderate their child's emotions. "These kids need to have physical exercise every single day," she says. "It's one of the best ways to put in some cotton balls."

She's also found that rhythmic, repetitive motion is very calming for intense kids. "For babies and toddlers, sucking is very helpful, " she says. "As they get older, you can give them a straw to drink from, or gum to chew." Touch can also be a comfort. "If you wake your child up in the morning by gently scratching her back or massaging her shoulders, you're giving her some preliminary buffering to start the day. Then if you accidentally serve her cereal in the wrong bowl, the reaction might not be as extreme."

Sheedy Kurcinka adds that intense children don't like surprises. "It's good to give them a little warning so that they have time to be prepared when something's going to change." On the other hand, if your child gets too much warning, especially for a stressful event such as going to the dentist, he might have more time to get really worked up. Parents have to find the balance with their child.

When your child begins spending more time away from home - whether at daycare or school - you may find yourself facing new challenges. "It's amazing to me that many people who work with children don't know much about kids like Willy," says MacNaughton. She found that Willy's kindergarten teacher seemed overwhelmed by his reactions, and would call MacNaughton first to discuss planned activities or class outings. While she appreciated the teacher's sensitivity, MacNaughton had hoped the teacher would be the one offering her and her husband suggestions and strategies.

Even now, if Willy spells a word wrong on a spelling test, MacNaughton says, "it's the end of the world."

Donna Trividi of Mississauga, Ontario sees that same desire to "do everything right" in her nine-year-old daughter, Kate. "She'll redo the cover page on her project five times to get it just the way she wants it. Her sister does it once and however it turns outs, that' s how she hands it in. But Kate puts a lot into everything she does. She's very passionate about anything that interests her."

That passion is a plus in terms of school achievement, but Trividi says that it can be tough to deal with at home. "We'll be getting ready for school, and Kate will be crying because her ponytail isn't exactly even and she wants me to do it over, and I'm sure we're going to be late. Or she'll announce that she's not going to school because she didn't get her math homework finished."

Having an outlet for creative expression can help intense children cope with their strong feelings. Melissa Hennin, for example, "likes to listen to music when she's upset, and she makes up her own music and songs as well," says her mom. And Kate has set up her own artist' s studio in a corner of the basement, where she can paint for hours, especially after a tough day at school. Other children, says Sheedy Kurcinka, find dance, poetry-writing or sculpture therapeutic.

Lannie Kanevsky says that research has found a correlation between intensity and giftedness in children. While the two don't always go hand-in-hand, she likes to describe intense children as "emotionally gifted" to preteens and teens during the sessions she offers for gifted children. She describes their initial reaction as one of shock. "They sit there with their mouths open. All their lives these kids have been told that their intensity is a problem, that they need to change. Then I come and tell them that, for them, this is normal and necessary. Once they absorb that, it can change how they see themselves."

Resources

Raising Your Spirited Child and The Raising Your Spirited Child Workbook, by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, both published by HarperPerennial, 1992 and 1998.

September 1998