Baby

The infectious giggling of her toddler son, Jon, caused Jackie Davis* of Toronto to glance up from her magazine. Jon was in the tub with his six-year-old sister, Chelsea, who was happily bobbing Jon's penis up and down, up and down in the water - a process which, judging by his physical response, was pleasing to him. Davis was shocked, but managed to blurt out what she thought was an adequate protest: "Those are Jon's private parts," she said. "And you should not be touching them unless he says so." The little girl looked unconcerned. "Jon wants me to," she said, as he smiled radiantly in agreement. Davis was at a complete loss for words.

Meg Hickling, Vancouver-based author of More Speaking of Sex: What Your Children Need to Know and When They Need to Know It, laughs at the story, but says the basic message Davis needed to get across is simple: Jon should not be giving Chelsea permission to touch his private parts. "If you want to touch yourself, that's OK. But you shouldn't let others touch you; you're too young for that."

Hickling recognizes that such statements aren't easy to make. Parents are often tongue-tied in the face of their children's sexuality, she says. We like to think of our kids as the embodiment of innocence. Yet from the time they're born (even in the womb), they delight in the pleasure of touch, and it's our job to help them remain comfortable with their bodies and themselves, and to keep open the lines of communication as they navigate the path to sexual maturity. Here are some things you may encounter along the way:

BIRTH TO 2: DISCOVERING THE BODY

What to expect:
One of the most surprising things for parents of babies, says Ann Barrett, a sexual-health educator with Toronto Public Health, is how much pleasure infants sometimes get from their own bodies. "They're sensuous little beings from the top of their heads to the tips of their toes," she says. "For a parent who's really comfortable with that, it's a delight, but other parents may wonder if their child is going to be oversexed." The thing to keep in mind, says Barrett, is that their play is sensual, not sexual. "They get the same pleasure from sucking on their toes as from fondling their penis."

Similarly, you may find your ten-month-old rocking away on his stomach, clearly enjoying a little baby erection. "Don't worry about it," advises Victoria parent educator Alison Rees. "These are natural body responses. It just means the body parts are working."

If you try to stop such behaviour, you'll only get frustrated, she says. And since you want your children to have positive feelings about their bodies, don't deny them the innocent pleasure of touch. Hickling has talked to parents who flick their baby boy's penis if they notice an erection - a practice she discourages. These are involuntary reactions, she says, and they start in the womb.

What they need to know:
You can't go into depth at this age, but you can at least begin to name the body parts properly. Since we all have a nose, eyes and a mouth, it doesn't make sense to have a "weenie" or a "pompom." Even if children don't absorb or remember the words penis or vulva, it will be good practice for you. By the time they can pronounce them, you'll be more comfortable using them.

AGES 3-5: NO SHAME, NO BLAME

What to expect:
Toronto mother Laurie Hall was chatting with another mother in her backyard last summer when her three-year-old son, Riley, who was splashing in the wading pool with a friend, looked up and lisped amiably: "Is it OK if I play with my peanut?" Hall laughed. "I don't think anyone really wants to see you do that, Riley," she said calmly. "And by the way, it's a penis."

While babies may show a fascination with their genitals, preschoolers may well focus on them and even experience a sense of arousal. "It's normal to masturbate; it's normal not to masturbate," says Hickling. "Some of the best masturbators are children three to five years of age. But they soon lose a lot of their daytime interest in it once they start going to school because they have many more things to think about." The only problem: Since kids don't understand society's rules surrounding sexuality, they might do it in front of others.

Your best bet is to simply acknowledge that what they're doing feels good, but tell them it's not considered polite behaviour in public. "Ask them to do it in the privacy of their own room, when no one's there," says Hickling.

Kids this age can also get quite smoochy or touchy with a parent of the opposite sex, and while it may throw you for a loop, Rees says they're usually just modelling the kinds of kisses they see on TV. "This is also a time when parents start to pull back a little bit physically," she explains. "With infants and babies, everything is closeness. The child has their fingers in your mouth and they're feeding you." Your child's overly exuberant kisses or that hand on your breast may be simply an attempt to get close again.

The important thing is to make sure you're not shaming your child by saying something like, "What are you doing?" Instead, just kiss him back with a loud smack, or gently tell him your breast is "Mommy's private body part, so let's hold hands," suggests Rees.

What they need to know:
Reinforce the scientific words for the body parts, and begin dealing with the basics of pregnancy, like how babies are made, where the baby grows and how he gets out (see "Basic Answers to Kids' Touchy Questions," p. 60).

In general, offer information in bite-sized bits and "keep it simple," advises Barrett. "We're talking about very abstract stuff here. There's nothing wrong with discussing sex, but it's more for the practice because I don't think they always retain what you're telling them."

AGES 6-10: DOWN TO THE NITTY GRITTY

What to expect:
Oakville, Ontario, mother Lorna Jones* recalls watching a documentary on the penis which indicated that boys may experience several spontaneous erections a day, and that often this embarrasses them. "I just wasn't aware of that," she says.

She broached the matter with her nine-year-old son, Jacob, and asked if he'd ever had a spontaneous erection without knowing why. His initial reaction: a very adamant "No!"

"Well," Jones told him, "I just want you to know that it's very normal. Boys can have a number of erections every day." Jacob looked thoughtful. "Oh, by the way," he asked, "why does that happen?" "Well," she replied, "it's because the body is developing and growing. It's a natural thing." "Yeah," said Jacob at last, "and when you have one and you jump into bed at night, it hurts."

Kids this age can sometimes be a little bewildered by the way their bodies react, says Rees. They might develop a crush on a child of the opposite sex, or even a teacher, but they generally don't know what to do with their ardour. Says Rees: "Around grade three and four, all a boy has to do is look at a girl and he'll start laughing and acting out. It's definitely attention-getting behaviour."

Similarly, girls may steal a boy's hat, or call up and giggle on the phone. Most of these early crushes, says Edmonton psychologist James Battle, are fleeting, perhaps a few weeks in length, and involve nothing more physical than daydreams.

What they need to know:
Introduce the physical changes associated with puberty to eight- to ten-year-olds, including periods, breast development, wet dreams and the growth of body hair, as well as emotional swings - what Hickling calls the "sads, glads and mads." Most kids won't experience these changes for a few years, but it doesn't hurt to prepare them, particularly if they turn out to be early bloomers.

You should also talk about how adults sometimes want to have sex, but they don't want to have a baby. Here's where the subject of condoms and other forms of birth control can be raised, as well as sexually transmitted diseases like AIDS.

Finally, you may want to introduce the concept of same-sex attraction in a gentle, non-judgmental way. You'll probably be surprised at how easily they absorb the information.

AGES 11-12: THAT'S SO-O-O-O GROSS!

What to expect:
Hickling believes that nature "almost preordains" the average preteen's feeling of disgust about all things sexual. "Their hormones are starting to affect them, they're beginning to be curious about the opposite sex, but they're protected from participating by being grossed out."

While a kiss between you and your mate may make them gag, kids' interest in the opposite sex may become focused on one person. "There's where you have to be careful as a parent," says Rees, "because when we see these behaviours in our children, we immediately think, 'Uh-oh, we're going to be in trouble in a few years.'"

By expressing paranoia about this to our kids - 'Oh my God, you're much too young to have a boyfriend!' - "what we end up doing is sexualizing those relationships," she says. Instead, she advocates inviting the boy over that your daughter has developed a friendship with. "That tends to desexualize the experience." What's more, she says, the less mysterious your kids find the opposite sex, the more likely they're going to make informed choices about relationships in future.

Perhaps even scarier are the emotional swings of puberty - the moodiness and heightened sensitivity, and a more fragile sense of self-esteem. Hormones account for a lot of the changes you see in kids this age - often with girls earlier than boys. "It's like putting on boots that suddenly have wheels on the bottom," says Rees. "They need time to get used to it." The main thing, according to Hickling, is to let kids know that it's normal to have a hormone attack and feel out of control, but it is not OK to punch a hole in the wall "or murder their brother."

You may notice a sudden need for privacy in your preteen, part of the quest to develop personal boundaries. Troubling as this may be for parents who've previously enjoyed a close, open relationship with their children, this too is a normal part of growing up. Kids this age are experiencing not only physical changes, but emotional upheaval and emerging sexuality - you can see why they might need a little privacy.

What they need to know:
Preteens are exposed to sexual messages everywhere - in movies, on TV, on the Internet and from friends - but much of the information falls into the realm of myth and fiction. That's why it's important to grab opportunities to talk. "Anything can be a jump-off point for discussion," says Hickling.

Finally, by this age, kids are often familiar with terms like "oral sex" and "blow job," but may not be entirely sure what they mean. If they have the nerve to ask you, Hickling says, by all means answer.

* Names changed by request.

Basic Answers to Kids' Touchy Questions

If you're grasping for words when asked for details about sexual matters by your kids, you're not alone. "The main thing to remember," stresses Toronto sexual health educator Ann Barrett, "is that this isn't a one-time birds-and-bees marathon, but an ongoing conversation. "The parents' responsibility is to look for comfortable moments to just incorporate this stuff as a normal part of the parental teaching we do."

Here are Vancouver sexual health educator Meg Hickling's suggestions on how to explain the basics. "If they don't ask," she says, "tell them anyway."

How are babies made?
The man's penis goes into the woman's vagina to deliver the sperm to the ovum, and a baby starts to grow in the uterus.

How are babies born?
The baby grows in the uterus, a special bag made of strong muscle.

The uterus stretches bigger and bigger when it has a baby growing in it. When it's time for the baby to be born, the strong muscles of the uterus squeeze and relax, squeeze and relax. After several hours of squeezing, water comes out of the vagina, making it wet and slippery, like a waterslide. So the very first waterslide you ever had was when you came slip-sliding out of your mom's vagina.

What's a condom?
When two grown-ups love each other, they love to have sex, but they may not want to have 35 babies. So the man puts the condom over his penis, and then, when his penis goes into her vagina and the sperm come out, they get caught in the condom and don't go into her body to make a baby.

What does gay mean?
Some people are only interested in making love to people of the opposite sex when they are grown up, and some adults will only be interested in making love to someone of their own sex. A gay man would like to be in love with another gay man and a lesbian woman would only be interested in another lesbian woman.

Why do girls get a period?
The uterus practises for being a grown-up by making a kind of "waterbed" inside itself for the baby. It is made of water, soft tissue, and a little bit of blood. Each month, when there isn't a baby there, the uterus changes the bed and the old one comes dripping out of the vagina. It looks like drops of blood, but it is mostly water. It is clean and healthy and it is called "having your period." The scientific word is menstruation.

What's a "wet dream"?
As their testicles begin to make sperm, boys' bodies practise for being grown up, too. They get "wet dreams." Some nights, when a boy is fast asleep, the extra sperm come out of his penis. Only one spoonful of milky-white fluid comes out and it makes a small wet spot on his pyjamas or between his legs. It is clean and healthy.

Why does it tickle when I touch my privates?
That happens to everybody. That's a very ticklish spot and it's OK to touch yourself there, but you do that only in your own room or the bathroom.

RESOURCES

For Children:
It's Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex and Sexual Health, by Robie Harris, Candlewick Press, 1994. Ages 11 and up.

The Bare Naked Book, by Kathy Stinson, Annick Press, 1986. Ages 3-6. An introduction to all the body parts.

Where Did I Come From?, by Peter Mayle, Carol Publishing, 1977. Ages 5-10.

For Adults:
More Speaking of Sex: What Your Children Need to Know and When They Need to Know It, by Meg Hickling, Northstone Publishing Inc., 1999.

April 2002