What you need to know about leaving your baby with a caregiver

Separation anxiety is a sign of healthy development — for both you and your baby!

Susan Spicer,

Originally published in Today's Parent February 2012

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When my daughter, Annie, was about seven months old, I got some contract work and hired a babysitter to come and look after her. I made sure we’d met together a few times before the big day.

I’ll never forget, though, having to pry Annie’s little arms from around my neck and place her — shrieking! — in the arms of the sitter. By the time I got to the car, I was wailing too.

Separation anxiety — that torrent of emotion your baby feels when you try to leave her with someone else — is actually a sign of healthy development, says Liz Hatherell, a parent educator.

Nevertheless, whether you need to leave your baby with someone else to go for a haircut or a job, separation anxiety can be really tough to deal with. Here’s some help from Hatherell to make goodbyes more bearable for everyone:

Where does separation anxiety come from?
Babies are built to form attachments. It’s crucial to their survival and healthy emotional development, and those attachments deepen as babies grow. Quite often, parents find their babies are social butterflies at four months, smiling at complete strangers and happy to be held by anyone. That’s because before six months, “babies are less discriminating about who they form attachments to,” says Hatherell. This all changes between six and nine months as babies start getting more attached to primary caregivers.

How can I help my baby feel better about saying goodbye?
When it comes time to leave your baby, the first step is to greet the sitter warmly. It’s important for your baby to see a loving bond between you and the caregiver. That way, the baby understands that the caregiver is someone she can love and trust as well. Then the caregiver should greet your baby by smiling, nodding, making eye contact and talking. “Most of this is instinctive,” says Hatherell. “The important thing is to wait for your baby to smile at the caregiver and reach out her arms. Try to be patient; if the sitter reaches for the baby before she’s ready, the baby will protest and cling.” If your baby doesn’t co-operate, just try to manage the hand-off as gently as possible.

Once your baby is in the caregiver’s arms, leave cheerfully and quickly. Babies can usually manage once the parent is out of sight, says Hatherell. That’s because they can only do one thing at a time; even loving two people at the same time is a challenge.

What should caregivers do when the baby cries?
“The best way to help is to stay calm and offer reassurance: ‘I know you’re sad, but Mommy will come back.’” And usually a little distraction — showing them an interesting book or toy — will help a baby calm down too.