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First smile to first friend: Baby's social skills

Your baby’s budding social skills

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Originally published in Today's Parent May 2006

12 to 18 months

What you’ll notice
Your baby has been replaced by a toddler, a curious, passionate little creature who believes the world exists just for him! He’s taking strides towards independence — walking, feeding himself, learning to talk — and that drive to independence means he’s also starting to resist when you set limits.

Toddlers are also beginning to develop relationships with other kids. Toddlers aren’t truly able to play together the way older kids do, but they enjoy “parallel play” — playing side by side as each does his own thing. And because concepts like sharing, taking turns and asking nicely are still beyond them, they need adults to help them have a happy time together.

What you can do
Be patient: You might expect children to know how to get along, but playing together is a skill toddlers need help with. You can model how to take turns without grabbing, etc. As you explain why, use yes and no warmly instead of punitively. “Toddlers are not elegant, sophisticated social creatures,” says Barwick. “You need to guide them along this bumpy path.”

Learning the rules of getting along can stir up intense toddler feelings. Set a good example: When you find yourself getting frustrated, try saying things out loud like “Even if we’re a bit late, it will be all right.” It also helps your toddler if he sees that you take his feelings seriously and acknowledge them. Instead of saying, “Why are you so upset — it’s no big deal!” you might say, “I see that you’re upset because it’s Sarah’s turn with the wagon. It will be your turn again soon.”

18 to 24 months

What you’ll notice
Children can typically play alone for a few minutes by now. They continue to relate to other toddlers by playing alongside or even taking toys away — much to most parents’ horror! “From an evolutionary perspective, we’re not hard-wired to share, so it’s not a logical stage for a toddler,” says Shea. Toddlers at this age do like to point out to a parent or caregiver what they’re interested in. They may start to show empathy and react with their own tears to someone in pain. And their speech is improving, so others outside the family may start to understand their words.

What you can do
Allow your child to be little. The more you acknowledge and support your child’s need for greater dependency and comforting, the better you’ll help her resolve her problems, believes Greenspan.

When she does share — whether it’s a toy or feelings — look for opportunities to reinforce good behaviour. A lot of warmth and acceptance comes with a positive comment, notes Barwick.

Include your toddler in meal routines, family gatherings and outings to give her a sense of herself as part of a larger family and community.

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