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What a wonderful article. This is something I've been struggling with since shortly after my daughter was born

“Spoiling” is in fact beneficial

The kind of responsive care of infants that some people call “spoiling” is in fact beneficial, according to Barr and other researchers:

• It reduces crying. The !Kung San babies, for example, cry 50 percent less than babies in North America.

• It supports breastfeeding. “For a breastfeeding mother, her baby’s cry stimulates her milk to let down, and often responding to and comforting the baby includes putting the baby to the breast,” Barr adds. “There is a whole physiological cycle that facilitates breastfeeding and promotes milk production.”

• It facilitates the development of a secure attachment relationship between parent and baby — and that attachment has been shown in many studies to lead to positive outcomes such as empathy for others, self-confidence, and true independence.

Have a colicky baby? Well, here’s the good news — you don’t need to worry that carrying and responding to your child has made him fussier. Barr describes research that found the same number of inconsolable crying episodes in colicky babies who were cared for with minimal contact and left to “cry it out” as those who were looked after more like the !Kung San babies. (While the responded-to babies started to cry as often, they didn’t cry as long.)

“It’s a real shame that parents are still being told that they can spoil their babies,” says Barr. “We should encourage and highly value parents being responsive.”

So relax. Keep your baby in your arms, pick him up as soon as he fusses and nurse him as often as he wants. If anyone questions you, tell them the stork delivered you a !Kung San baby by mistake and you’re just making sure he feels at home.

Inconsolable crying

The only negative to providing responsive care, says Ron Barr, professor of paediatrics at the University of British Columbia, is that sometimes a crying baby can’t be consoled and the parents become frustrated, exhausted and angry. If you feel that you might hurt the baby, put her in a crib or safe place, and walk away or find another person to help.

Originally published in Today's Parent, December 2008