Kids' behaviour: 10 things to forgive them for (and why)
We love our children — we really do. But certain traits and phases can be infuriating. Here's what's going on inside your kid's brain.
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Kids aren't thinking
Do you ever shake your head at your kid's less-than-perfect behaviour? Joseph Shrand, a child psychiatrist and instructor at Harvard Medical School, explains that the two distinct parts of a still-developing human brain are mismatched: “Children’s limbic brain, responsible for impulses, emotions and pleasure, is more mature than their prefrontal cortex, responsible for thinking, making decisions and anticipating consequences.” In other words, poor behaviour isn't necessarily a result of poor thinking. Kids aren’t thinking (at least not the way adults can).
Here are 10 behaviours that baffle us — and the science behind them.
A version of this article appeared in our September 2012 issue with the headline "10 things to forgive your kids for (and why)," pp. 66-70. -
1. Clumsiness
You place a cup of milk beside your four-year-old, tell her repeatedly to watch out for it, and she spills it.
Kids aren’t supposed to be coordinated; their brains aren’t ready because the neurons that fine-tune gross and fine motor skills haven’t fully developed. “Humans are hardwired to develop certain abilities at certain times,” says child and adolescent psychiatrist Tia Horner. “We sit at six months, crawl at nine months, walk at twelve months, and so on. Clumsiness in children is normal. It subsides, but slowly.” Spills are bound to happen, with improvement starting to show in the early elementary stage. -
2. Selfishness
Your eight-year-old is sitting with her younger brother examining her two last jelly beans. She pops both into her mouth instead of sharing.
“Not all kids have the same wiring, meaning some kids are just naturally more selfish than others,” says child and adolescent psychiatrist Sujatha Ramakrishna. But take heart; this self-centred phase isn’t permanent. “As they approach the preteen years, kids naturally learn to think about others,” says Ramakrishna. “Parents can help encourage this process, but they should also understand that it takes time, and can’t be forced.” -
3. Inflexibility
You change the usual Tuesday night hamburger dinner to chicken, and a tantrum ensues.
Toddlers and preschoolers are building constant neural pathways; repetition makes those pathways stronger. A few years later, that desire for pattern creation and recognition morphs into the desire to see if a given behaviour can change an outcome. When it does, your child feels like he has control over his environment. This is why “young kids believe rules are set in stone... and parental improvisation is forbidden,” says family physician Deborah Gilboa. “For the same reason they love...hearing the same story or watching the same video over and over again — change can cause anxiety.” Around age nine or 10, this usually starts to shift. -
4. Impatience
You’re talking to a friend when your five-year-old tugs at your sleeve. You tell her to wait, and she does it again 10 seconds later.
“Patience requires significant time to develop,” says school psychologist Leigh Ann Wayland. And the culprit, again, is executive brain functioning. “There are both genetic and developmental contributions,” advises Mark McKee, a child psychologist and author of Raising a Successful Child (The Manual). “Frustration, tolerance, impulse control, anticipation of consequences, and judgment — all contributors to patience — vary in development considerably from child to child.” Of course, that doesn’t mean you should just wait for it to happen. Says McKee, “providing the child with opportunities to practise being patient, and rewarding successful efforts at being so, can accelerate the process.” -
5. Immaturity
Your well-spoken, model-student nine-year-old is suddenly obsessed with fart jokes and swear words.
Though maturity is a complex, difficult-to-measure construct, one thing is certain: It doesn’t happen quickly. “Immaturity is part of the definition of a child,” advises developmental psychologist Marilyn Livosky. “While their brains continue to develop, most children display what we think of as immaturity right into adolescence. But over time, they develop the ability to do things like think logically, delay gratification and understand others — all of which contribute to the behaviours that we count as maturity.” -
6. Unpredictability
Your usually calm and composed 10-year-old totally loses it when you inform him that your plan to go to the movies together has changed.
“The best way to help children be predictable is to be predictable ourselves,” says Horner. Still, adds Ramakrishna, it’s perfectly normal for your kids to throw you curve balls once in a while. “Healthy children test limits and push boundaries. If they didn’t, they would never get anywhere developmentally.” -
7. Lack of empathy
Your four-year-old falls on the driveway and bursts into tears. Your seven-year-old, standing beside her, keeps dribbling the basketball.
“What looks to parents like thoughtlessness is often just kids trying to experiment with how their words or actions affect the world around them,” says Gilboa. She explains that kids are, by nature, incredibly self-involved; it’s not that your son doesn’t care about his little sister, he likely just doesn’t notice. The silver lining? Change is just around the corner. “While young children do have the capacity to feel compassion,” adds Horner, “the ability for deeper, more abstract altruism and moral reasoning starts to really develop through the teen years.” -
8. Meanness
Your youngest son shows off a picture he drew. Your oldest son looks at it and pronounces it “dumb.”
Meanness is often a symptom of some other, separate feeling of anxiety or disappointment, says psychotherapist Natalie Robinson Garfield, author of The Sense Connection. The best tack for parents is to try to get to the bottom of the issue while monitoring their own tone and attitude, since, naturally, kids will mirror what they see from mom and dad. “Children take their cues from what they see and hear at home,” she counsels. -
9. Inability to focus
You sign your six-year-old up for soccer, but he spends his time on the field pretending to be an airplane.
It might seem like children often tune out and miss a lot, says Ramakrishna, but it’s just that they’re seeing everything from a different perspective than an adult would. As they discover the fascinating world around them, a variety of things catch their interest, often fleetingly. “Usually around age seven or eight they settle down and begin to develop a better ability to focus,” she says. -
10. Attitude
Your 12-year-old isn’t allowed to go out with friends until she’s finished her homework. “Don’t tell me what to do,” she snaps.
“What we think of as disrespect is mostly a result of children still learning how to regulate feelings like anger or frustration,” advises Fran Walfish, a psychotherapist and author of The Self-Aware Parent. The best way to address this, she says, is to encourage them to reframe words in a more acceptable way. Don’t demand an apology — it’s just an easy way to get you off their back. Instead, say, “I hear how frustrated you are. Please explain your feelings in a respectful way.” -
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Christina Lane teenmombloggers (not verified) says ....
Way to go Niall!!! Way to go!!
Niall Horan (not verified) says ....
Okay, "onedirection" - I'll respond since I'm 14. First of all - I kinda think you missed the whole point of the article which is WHY parents should "forgive" their kids for these faults....it's saying, in some ways, that we can't always help ourselves. But aside from that, you sound like a spoiled little brat that needs to grow up. Worse, you sound acutally PROUD of being a "selfish, spoiled brat". I just want to make sure no one thinks you speak for ALL of us teens. Some of us are trying to grow up and be better people.
onedirection says ....
My mom showed this article to me. I wanted to point out some of these things from a kid's point of view. I'm 13 and I don't agree with basically any of these. I'll start from 10 and go to 1.
10. Attitude - Ya, okay, attitude is not really disrespect. It is anger and frustration, yes but, more because parents DO NOT LISTEN. I asked for a phone once and I had a bunch of points as to why I needed one and this is how the conversation went;
Me: Mommy...
Mommy: Yes?
Me; You know how I said I wanted a phone?
Mommy: You're not getting one.
Me: But, -
Mommy: No buts!
Me: I have -
Mommy: No Caitlin! This conversation is over!
Me: SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME!
Mommy: Room now, and you're not coming out til you apologize!
Okay I get saying shut up was not the best idea but, still, I wouldn't have yelled at her if she had just listened to me in the first place. How many times have you parents done this to your kids? Lots, I bet. You're either not in the mood, or busy, or you just want to be left alone. But what my mom could have said was "Can we please talk later? I'm busy or in a bad mood or something else."
Plus if we're (kids) are mad we're not going to listen to "I hear how frustrated you are. Please explain your feelings in a respectful way." Ya, no. We wouldn't take a deep breath and explain in a rational way, we would start yelling, "SHUT UP!! WHY DO YOU KEEP BOSSING ME AROUND. I JUST WANNA GO OUT WITH MY FRICKEN FRIENDS! I CAN DO MY STUPID HOMEWORK LATER!! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!! JEEZ!" Ya, that's more like it. Well, enough for that.
9. Focusing - Kids don't like focusing. Did you ever stop to think that we attempt to focus in school all day and by the time we get home it's like "Just leave me alone, I don't want to do anything." That's how I feel, at least.
8. Meaness - All kids are going to be mean. Get over it. Most of the time we older siblings do not want to be bugged by little siblings, or we're in a bad mood, or tired, or hungry, or something that is affecting our niceness. Or the kids are just naturally mean.
7. Lack of Empathy - Sometimes kids have enough problems of our own and we don't want to deal with others problems. Or we think we can help them. One time, my brother and I we're playing basketball (he's 5) and the ball rebounded off the net rim and ended up in the neighbors lawn. So William (my brother) chased after it and fell, on the soft grass, and burst into tears. He didn't break or sprain or scratch or bruise anything. He just started crying. For no reason at all. He didn't even land in pricklies. So of course, I was a bit mad. He's 5 he shouldn't be crying like that. Honestly, the fact that there's 3 kids in my grade that I know that live just across the street had something to do with it. Well, I went and grabbed the ball and told him to get up and brush it off. And he didn't just kept crying. I remembered that my stepdad once said the more attention you give them the more they'll cry so I ignored him. He must have sat there crying for 20 minutes before mommy came out to get him. It wasn't my lack of empathy, or my embarrassment (although it had a tiny little factor), it was because I was trying to get him to stop being such a crybaby.
6. Unpredictability - I have nothing to say about his. I don't care about changes. I'm more of a go with the flow kind of girl.
5. Immaturity - I like being immature. I don't want to grow up. Give me a few years ti get it out of my system then maybe my mind will be the tiniest bit cleaner. And there is nothing wrong with swear words. They're words. What is so offensive about H-E double hockey sticks that, I don't know, handbook doesn't have. They're both H words. OOOO I said handbook, I've sinned. No offense to anyone but it's just stupid.
4. Impatience - Ya, give me about 10 more years and maybe I'll get a speck of patience. A tiny itty bitty speck. Or none at all.....
3. Inflexibility - Nothing to say about his. I don't care. Again, go with the flow.
2. Selfishness - Kids should be aloud to think about ourselves every once in a while. We're all not from Abnegation (Divergent by Veronica Roth), we are selfish, spoiled, little brats. And I DO NOT SHARE FOOD!! It is the one and only thing I will not share. or my Ipod. You touch my Ipod without my permission and I will hate you forever.
1. Clumsiness - I'm one of the most clumsy people on the planet, I swear. And it's gotten worse as I get older. Everytime I go up the stairs, I fall, and every third time going down to. I trip on air about times every hour and slam into walls and doors that love jumping out at me. I can trip on the tiniest lego piece. Everything that I can possibly slam into I do. Every time I'm in the kitchen I hit my hip on the counter and close my fingers in the fridge or freezer or pantry. Today I have scrape on my elbow, A huge bruise on my left knee, another on my right, I cut my toe open so the skin is just kinda hanging there, I have little scrapes up and down both legs, and a huge scratch right at my neck. And it's only 11: 30. I'm sure I'll be more black and blue and battered by the end of the day.
Well, that's my opinion on this article. Maybe, you should rethink it.
Ida Mae West-Simone says ....
What I love about this article is that it gives concrete reasons for some of the behaviours that can really test us as parents (for example, perceived selfishness and meanness). It is easier to parent in a more positive and empathetic way with the knowledge that your kids are actually acting their age, even if it's driving you nuts!
Jill (Jenny's mom) (not verified) says ....
This is a good article, but I'm unhappy that the 'inability to focus' slide (9) led me to an article on ADHD. The original article suggested that my 6-year-old's inability to focus was normal and that it would start to improve in a year or two, whereas the linked article suggested I enroll her in yoga or maybe consider medication. I liked the first article better: not all of our kids have ADHD! Please watch your links... it's not just, "what can we link this to" - it actually matters.
Thanks Today's Parent!